Grapefruits, the Adventure 2
by AlKaholiK
Summary: Meh, I just figured that since I reposted the first adventure, I may as well just repost the sequel. This is the sequel to the first adventure! This was originally written from mid 2005 to the end of 2005. As always, feedback is appreciated. REPOST
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, dude.

_**(Please note that this was originally written from 6/06-10/06, so it shouldn't come as a total shock that some of the characters/situations aren't parallel to the current storylines. If you can think back to this time--just like on the first adventure--you'll have a better time understanding it. Don't forget that these are REPOSTS. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy and I'd like to encourage my readers to review--it shows me love or hate, and I WILL respect anyone's opinion.)**_

* * *

**__**

Ok gang, it's back and it's leaner and meaner! While the first "Grapefruits, the Adventure" was fun to write, it was also a BEAST--(20 Chapters! Well, that's not that bad to some, but it's bad to me—I don't like reading that many chapters, let alone WRITING them, sorry, I'm lazy like that.). Well, this sequel will not be as long and it'll manage to get the point across in a much timelier manner—I'll see to that. Now, anyone that remembers and was a fan of the first adventure knows how this works and knows the type of stuff to expect. To the rest of you, read on and tell me what you think.

* * *

(The scene starts the morning after the RAW tapings in Seattle. Vince has summoned 8 random superstars to his office. We have Kurt Angle, Jerry Lawler, Carlito, Masters, Booker T, Sharmell, Cena, and Kane.)

Vince, seated behind his desk, says, "Hello, I've called you here tonight because I have a favor to ask each of you. Each of you will head down to Reno and pick me up a fifth of Beefeater, a hooker, and a bucket of Buffalo wings. I don't care in which order you get them, just get them, ok? I'll be up here in Seattle for a good while, but the first pair to get back here with my stuff gets an opportunity to head the creative meeting and run the next Raw as the interim GM."

Kane furrows his brow and asks, "Well, do you need the food and drink from a particular store, like last time?"

Vince smiles a little and says, "Good thinking, Kane! In fact, yes I DO need these things to come from a particular store. I need you all to get my Beefeater and my Wings from a store in Reno called, "The Liquor and Wing Outlet Near the Trailer Park". And don't try any funny business, either, their wings and liquor have a different taste than any other restaurant or state store, and, trust me, I'm an aficionado when it comes to wings and liquor! Oh yeah, I also know a Reno hooker when I see one, or rather, TASTE one! They just have this…undeniable dirtiness to them. And don't any one of you take any flights, either! If you take a flight, I'll know it…don't worry about HOW, just know that I'll fucking know it! Ok, now pair off and get moving, I'm thirsty, horny, AND Vince McMahon, dammit!"

The superstars scramble out the office doorway and they pair up in the hallway.

Kurt speaks up, saying, "Ok, let's get this going, then. Who's going with who?

Lawler laughs a little and says, "I guess I'll join you, Kurt."

Booker T looks at Sharmell and says, "C'mon baby, let's get outta' here."

Kane's standing next to Cena and he just glances over to him, saying, "Well Cena, I guess I'm with you, then."

Carlito and Masters just look at each other and shrug. Masters waves Carlito on to follow him. Masters says, "Hey, lets take my ride, I'll even let you drive."

Carlito raises his eyebrows, takes a bite out of his apple and says, "Hm…cool."

* * *

(We cut to the parking lot, where we join Cena and Kane.)

Cena says, "Yo dawg, we'll take my car. It's over here. Then one step closer to our destination, we'll be near!"

Kane, ignoring Cena's lame mini-rap, looks at the car and smiles a little. Cena notices and asks, "What's so funny, money?"

Kane tries to keep from laughing and he answers, "Well, your car's a giant saltine box with wheels, guy."

John points out, "Yo, don't f'git—it's ridin' on 22's, yo, and them shits got spinners, too, just like Scooby-dooby doo!"

Kane raises his eyebrows, sighs, and climbs in.

* * *

(Meanwhile, in another area of the parking lot, we have Kurt and Lawler.)

Lawler, looking around for his car, says, "Damn, where the hell did I park that thing?"

Kurt looks in the opposite direction and points, saying, "Isn't that it over there?"

Lawler turns around and hurries toward his car—a girl scout van.

Kurt looks the van up and down, saying, "Gee, this is an…interesting van you have here."

Lawler smiles and says, "Yeah, I found it broken down and abandoned on the side of the highway. I had it fixed and decided to keep it because it reminds me of my ex-wife—she was a girl scout when I met her."

Kurt raises an eyebrow and asks, "You were with a little girl?"

Lawler says matter-of-factly, "Sure, we eloped just before her 16th birthday. I had to pay off this preacher we met at the bar to marry us. We were happy together, that is, until her parents threatened to hit my ass with a lawsuit if I didn't divorce their daughter."

Kurt shakes his head slowly and mumbles to himself, "…sick bastard."

Lawler asks, "Huh? What's that, Kurt?"

Kurt jumps a little and quickly says, "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all."

Jerry starts up the van and lets it warm a little.

* * *

(Now, we join Masters and Carlito, who seem to be trying to make their way out of the parking lot.)

Carlito says, "Y'know, you've GOT to have the oddest car I've ever seen."

Masters furrows his brow and says, "What? What's so odd? I think it's alright."

Carlito shakes his head, saying, "Chris…I-It's a giant fucking vacuum! With WHEELS on it! And, why the hell does it have the word 'heat' written on the sides of it?"

Masters smiles and asks, "Pretty badass, huh?"

Carlito shrugs and says, "Eh, whatever, dude."

* * *

(In the meantime, Booker and Sharmell have just started their car up. Since they travel together all the time, they're not going to tell you what their car is, but I will—it's an old stock-car with the words "Hungry Man Dinner" written on it in black marker. Did I mention that it's sitting on 10's? I gotta' give Booker credit, though. Even though they're 10's, he DOES keep them polished.)

Booker asks, "Hey babe, you got everything?"

Sharmell thinks for a second and says, "Ummm…yeah. Well, we may as well get moving."

* * *

So, our superstars all head out for Reno. What will come about during their journeys? Who will they meet? Well, you gotta' stay tuned for that one. Same Warrior place, same warrior time, same warrior channel!

Thanks for reading, please review!


	2. Chapter 2

(When we left last, the superstars were heading out of the parking lot of the arena. So, now we'll join Carlito and Masters as they've just hit the open road.)

Masters says, "Hey, old man Flair told me about these…beer and porn runs McMahon has every year. He said that Vince gets cranky when he's horny and he makes his employees go out to a particular shop in like, any given city to get what he wants. Whadd'you think about that?"

Carlito takes a bite out of his apple and says, "Well, he IS the boss, man. But Carlito doesn't think it's too cool to go all the way to Reno to get some liquor and wings when he can just get that shit locally."

Masters nods, saying, "Heh, you're right about that."

Masters looks around and notices a large container sitting behind Carlito's seat.

Masters points to the container and asks, "Hey, what's in there?"

Carlito smiles and says, "Oh that? That's our food for the trip."

Masters looks at him and asks, "Well, aren't you gonna' tell me what's in it?"

Carlito answers, "Yeah, I have apples, apple pies, apple fritters, apple brown betty, applesauce, apple cobbler, and apple butter."

Masters curls his upper lip a little and asks, "You mean to tell me that all you have are things made of apples?"

Carlito nods, smiling, and says, "It's cool, huh?"

Masters, with a look of shock and slight disappointment, answers, "Well, no, it's NOT cool, man. I can't eat apples!"

Carlito says, "Gee, what are you gonna' do for food, man?"

Masters says, "Well, I-I'll just eat out somewhere, then. Hey, tell you what, the first food exit we come across, take it!"

Carlito takes another bite out of his apple and says, "…cool".

* * *

(So, while they try to sort out Masters' situation, we'll now join Kurt and Lawler, as they're presently seated inside a Bob Evans restaurant.)

Kurt looks at his menu and says, "Hmm…not much here an Olympic hero like myself can eat."

King is looking around the restaurant, wide-eyed. He smiles and says, "Wow Kurt, these witresses in here look so yummy!"

Kurt arches an eyebrow and says, "Are you kidding? All these…women in here look like Jerry Springer guests. And besides, that chick you're staring at over there can't be older than 17!"

King smiles broadly and says, "I know."

A rather unkempt-looking waitress saunters over to their table and just stands there, looking at Kurt.

Kurt looks up and raises an eyebrow. He asks, "Well?"

The waitress answers back, "Well, what?"

Kurt looks at King and then back at the waitress. He says, "Aren't you gonna' ask us what we're having?"

The waitress raises an eyebrow and replies, "Well whadd'ya think I'm standin' here for?"

Kurt rolls his eyes and says, "Fine then, I'll have four eggs—SCRAMBLED, and a glass of milk."

The waitress sighs and turns toward the King, who has his eyes fixated on her chest area. King says, "Uhh…I'll have the French toast, I heard it was the breast—er, I mean, BEST in the west!"

The waitress rolls her eyes and says, "Fine, I'll be back in a few, then."

Kurt stops her, "Uh, excuse me, but how long do you think it'll be? We're in kind of a hurry."

The waitress snidely says, "It'll be done when it's done, just hold your horses. Geez!"

Kurt and King look at each other, then back at the waitress, who's leaving toward the back.

King raises his eyebrows and asks, "Wow…so what are you gonna' do?"

Kurt furrows his brow and says, "Well, I'm gonna' give her a lesson in the Three I's when she brings her ass back out here! Oh, it's true, it's DAMN true!"

So a few minutes pass and the waitress comes back out with the food. She sits it on the table and leaves without saying anything.

Kurt speaks up, "Hey, I wanna' have a word with you!"

The waitress, who's the same height as Kurt, says, "Yeah, what is it?"

Kurt angrily says, "You've been nothing but rude since we got here! What's your problem?"

The waitress retorts, "I don't have the problem, YOU do!"

"What do you mean 'I do'?"

The waitress says, "Look, I don't need some has-been Special Olympic…nobody coming in here throwing orders around, while wearing a silly gold-plated medal, that's what!"

Meanwhile, King's sitting at the table eating and watching this confrontation.

Kurt angrily fires back, " Special Olympic NOBODY? Gold-Plated? Ok, that's it! It's time you learned the three I's—"

Kurt snatches her legs from under her and she falls to the floor, the diner is in an uproar, as the other patrons have now assembled around the two…combatants. While the waitress is trying to pick herself up, Kurt screams and pulls down his straps from off his shoulders and locks in the ankle lock.

The whole restaurant is cheering "Make her tap, Make her tap, Make her tap!", in an E-C-W-type of rhythm.

The manager comes running out of the back area. He yells, "What the hell IS this?"

At this time, the waitress is slamming her arm on the diner floor, effectively tapping out and selling the hell out of that ankle lock. Kurt is yelling and wrenching the ankle lock in further. The Manager and a couple cooks manage to wrestle Kurt off of the waitress. As he backs off and sees the waitress writhing in pain, clutching her ankle, he gets a satisfied grin on his face and backs out of the restaurant, eventually running to Jerry's van.

The King, who's already waiting in the van, says, "Kurt, that was brilliant, man! I warmed up the van so we can get outta' here before they call the cops!"

Kurt, panting a little, asks, "Hey, can this thing GO that fast?"

King smirks and says, "HA! You kiddin' me? I've outran many an angry father in this thing, just watch!"

The King backs out of the parking lot and the car screeches forward toward the highway exit.

* * *

(So, as those two leave the area, we'll join Booker and Sharmelle, who are approaching Portland, Oregon.)

Booker smiles and says, "Yeah babe, it's like I was sayin'—dey' holdin' a brotha' down up in the WWE! I mean, I'm a 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time WCW champion, girl!"

Sharmell thinks for a moment and says, "Uh, baby…"

"What's up, girl?"

"Uh, that was 7 times."

Booker asks, "7 times?, wha'chu mean 7 times? I was a FIVE-time duh-cee-duh champ!"

Sharmell replies, "No baby, that's not what I'm talking about. When you were repeating your title reigns, you said '5-time' like, 7 times."

Booker sighs, rolls his eyes, and asks, "…I guess I did it again, huh?"

Sharmell, with a somber expression on her face, just nods slowly.

She says, "Hey, but it's ok baby. You'll always be my 7-time, 5-time WCW champion."

Booker smiles and says, "I knew you had my back, baby girl!"

Booker passes a sign that says Portland's 100 miles away. He says, "Eh babe, 'dat sign say Portland's bout' a hunnid' miles away. I think we be leadin'."

Sharmell looks down momentarily and says, "Oh sweetie, I'm sorry to be like this, but the word is 'a HUNDRED', and we ARE leading—hon, you have to say the whole pronunciation".

Booker grimaces and asks, "Ain't 'dat what I be sayin'?"

Sharmell hesitates and answers, "Um, no actually. You have a habit of speaking slang and--"

Booker cuts her off, "Hey, I thought 'dats how you like d'way I talk!"

Sharmell answers, "Yes, it's ok at times, AT TIMES, but please…for me, could you at least try and pronounce your words better?"

Booker sighs and says, "A'ight, I'll try. Baby, I-I promise…when we git' home, Im'a git' my GED and I'll REALLY come up in the WWE—you'll see!"

Sharmell rubs Booker's back as she says, "I know you will, baby, I know you will…"

As she's telling him this, she sighs, rolls her eyes and glances upward, shaking her head slowly.

* * *

(So, we'll close out with Kane and Cena, who are also approaching Portland.)

Kane sighs and asks, "Hey, do we HAVE to listen to your theme song the whole way to Reno? I mean, come on, guy!"

Cena replies, "Wha'chu mean, man? My theme song's the bomb, you playa' hating like your name's Tom!"

Kane furrows his brow and asks, "Wh-wha?"

Cena nods and says, "Yo, you gotta' get with the program, I ate some crackers that weren't graham."

Kane asks, "How can you rhyme 'program' with 'graham'?"

Cena shrugs and says, "It's part of basic thuganomics, really. I like to rhyme and then eat a lime!"

Kane shoots Cena a strange look and mumbles, "…whatever."

Cena continues, "Yeah, it's like my moms told me, yo—'you gotta' get your basic education or you won't be able to achieve total inclination to leave the situation to end up in the bathroom stall masturbatin'. You feel me, yo?"

Kane gently rubs his temples in a circular motion as he just sighs, shaking his head.

* * *

So, that wraps up another chapter in this adventure here. Will Booker's furthering his education really enhance his chances at getting a WWE heavyweight championship? (Nope, reason being is because he's black—everyone knows that shit.) Will Cena be able to teach Kane the basics of thuganomics? (Let's hope not, the last thing we need are TWO Cenas running around releasing crummy albums and doing shitty finishers.) Tune in to find out next time—same warrior place, same warrior, time, same warrior channel! 


	3. Chapter 3

(Hey there! When we left, Kurt and King had just…well, finished breakfast. Right now, we'll join Carlito and Chris Masters as they've just finished breakfast and are now back on the highway.)

Masters smiles and says, "Hey that was a bitchin' breakfast, man."

Carlito grimaces a little and says, "What was so great about it? Carlito couldn't get any apples in his cornflakes, man. That wasn't cool at all."

Masters sighs and says, "Look, that waitress told you plainly that they didn't have any apples. But what did YOU do? You actually went into the kitchen and started snooping in those peoples' refrigerator! We almost got arrested, and for WHAT? Some apples!"

Carlito polishes his apple against his shirt, raises an eyebrow, smirks, and says, "It's cool, eh?"

Masters smacks his forehead and sighs.

Carlito continues, "Hey, don't worry, Carlito will make things right. Next restaurant, Carlito's treat, eh?"

Masters nods and says, "Hn…that should do it."

Carlito drives past a billboard that has a picture of a bull on it. It's an advertisement for some kind of angus steakhouse. That's when an idea hits him.

Carlito smiles to himself, and then starts snickering a little.

Masters asks, "Hey, what's so funny, dude?"

Carlito snickers a little bit more and answers, "Hey, when Carlito passed that billboard back there, he had a funny thought."

Masters asks, "What? You mean the one that had that bull picture on it?"

Carlito replies, "Haha…yeah!"

Masters smiles faintly and asks, "Ok, well what about it?"

Carlito bites his apple and says, "Naw man, it's just that that bull reminded me of Mark Henry, s'all."

Masters smiles and asks, "Mark Henry? Well, what about him?"

Carlito continues and says, "Well, you remember a few years back when he and Mae Young birthed a hand?"

They burst out laughing and then Masters says, "Oh yeah, I remember that shit, hahahaaaa!"

Carlito says, "Eh man, Carlito was just talking to him about that the other day. Yo, he got PISSED at Carlito!"

Masters smirks and says, "Haha…no shit, everyone knows that. I was going to do it, but Mysterio stopped me—he said that when he did it, Mark took him and locked him in a freezer."

At this, they both just burst out laughing.

Masters calms down just enough to point out, "Hahaha…hey, remember that, uh, that eating contest Mark, Big Show, and Stephanie got into?"

Carlito points at Masters as if to say "Hahaha…you're funny!"

Masters continues, "Yeah, they each had, like, six subs at a time, and for a while, they were keeping even with each other. Then Show left, because of cramps. Mark left shortly after that, because he had to take a shit. Man…Steph finished HER plate AND finished the four subs Mark had left AND the two the Big Show left!"

Carlito's just smirking and shaking his head. He speaks up, "Hey, Carlito see Steph one time sneaking food out of the lunchroom. She had both arms full of food and was holding a ketchup bottle in her mouth! That shit was unreal, dude!"

Masters is laughing so hard he can barely catch his breath.

Carlito continues, "Hey, you know what's not cool? It's when we go to those arenas where there's like a unisex bathroom--mostly because of Steph and other bathroom 'illuminators'. What Carlito means is that, one time, in Fresno, after a show, Carlito go to use the bathroom and no sooner than he approach the door, he could smell errant feces. In fact, everything IN that area just…smelled like shit, dude. A few moments later, the toilet flushes not once, but TWICE, and out comes Stephanie. No spray, no match, not even a squirt of perfume for Carlito! THAT was not cool, man!"

Masters, still laughing, says, "Oh god, I had a similar incident a little while back with—you're not going to believe this—but it was Christy!"

Carlito, wide-eyed, asks, "Wha? Christy?"

Masters, smiling broadly, says, "YES, Christy! I REALLY had to piss this one evening, and my match was coming up next. I ran up to the john and the door was locked, right? Ok, well, I knocked and knocked and pounded. I heard a faint and gentle 'just a minute, please!' Ok, so I'm standin' and dancin' at this door, see? And all I hear is, like, a bunch of farting in different…octaves."

Carlito almost loses control of the car, as he's laughing so hard.

Masters continues, "Yeah, I'm dancing back and forth, trying to keep from pissing myself, and FINALLY Christy comes out! Well, she sprayed and flushed, but when I got in there, Phew! Man, did it stank! Not 'stink', but STANK! It smelled like an …unGAWDly mixture of a Big Mac, a dirty diaper, and flowers! It smelled like-like a rose that someone pulled out of their ass! So I hold my breath and do what I had to do, I flush, wash my hands and, wouldn't you fucking know it, as soon as I'm coming out, a bunch of diva contest contestants come walking past, and you know they were thinking that that ugly smell was from me, because they were whisperin' and gigglin' and shit!"

Carlito's wiping the tears from his eyes as he and Masters continue to whoop it up.

* * *

(So, we'll leave those two to their own thoughts and check in on Booker and his old lady as they've finished breakfast and have now passed through Portland. Hm…seems like Sharmell's trying to reason with Booker about something…)

Sharmell points out, "Book, you gotta' understand, baby. There's no sense in getting angry with that waitress because she made you repeat your order."

Booker fires back, "Bullshit! She be understandin' me! I knows it!"

Sharmell reasons, "But baby, look…It was how you were talking to her. She really didn't seem to understand you."

Booker argues back, "Like I said--bullshit! She ain't hafta' be goin' 'round makin' me repeat myself like 'dat!"

Sharmell assures, "Book, she was just trying to make sure she was getting your order right, that's all."

Booker angrily declares, "Nuh-uh, no she wudd'nt! She was be tryin to embarrass the 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, duh-cee-duh CHAMP!"

Sharmell glances downward, bites her bottom lip and gently says, "Book…Book…you recited your title reigns wrong again—"

Book interrupts, "Huh? Wha'chu mean I recited 'em wrong? Didn't I say '5-time' 5 times?"

Sharmell answers, "Uh…no. Book, you only said them four times."

Sharmell was expecting Booker to go off so she started to brace herself.

Book just starts pounding the steering wheel in frustration as Sharmell cautiously watches him.

* * *

(We'll let Booker calm down and we'll check in on John Cena and Kane, who are also just out of Portland.)

Kane turns to Cena and says, "Hey, look at what I brought with me."

Cena asks, "Ok, 'w' to the 'h', to the 'a', and to the 't'?"

Kane pulls his old mask from out of his tights and says, "TAD-AAAAAH!"

Cena asks, "Why'd you bring that thing? Because you ain't home, the phone's just gonna' ring."

Kane explains, "Well, this mask helps me relax. This is a long trip, I'm gonna' need to relax."

Cena nods and changes the subject. He says, "Yo, I need to stop at a market. Preferably a WalMart, but not a Target."

Kane answers while pointing backward, "We passed a WalMart a few feet back up the road."

Cena makes a sudden U-turn and heads back up the road. A cop sees this and decides to follow Cena and Kane.

Kane, trying to regain his balance, says, "Hey! Easy with those fucking U-turns, my mask almost fell out the window!"

Cena replies, "Well, why don't you just put it on? When we're in the store, I'll buy us some popcorn!"

Kane sighs and slumps down in his seat. As he slumps down, he looks in his passenger-side mirror and sees a cop chasing them.

Kane, wide-eyed, says, "Hey, there's a cop following us. He has his lights on, I think he wants us to pull over."

Cena looks out of the rear-view mirror and says, "…damn."

So Cena pulls over and the cop approaches them.

The cop asks, "Do you know why I stopped you today?"

Cena looks at Kane and then back at the cop and just shrugs.

The cop glances down and says, "You made an illegal U-turn up the road there. That's gonna' be a very costly ticket, son."

Cena has a very worried expression on his face now. The king of not being seen had not seen this coming. As Cena answers the cop, he loses his slang and starts talking proper English, all the while trying to hide the pussy-ish tone that was trying to sneak in.

Cena explains politely, praying to god almighty that he doesn't accidentally try to rhyme his lines or even attempt to "sound black", "Mr. officer, sir, I sincerely apologize. I was just trying to get to the WalMart up the road there, and I'm quite unfamiliar to this fair land here in Oregon."

The officer thinks for a moment and in the meantime, it's taking every bit of strength for Kane NOT to burst out laughing, as he has his mask up to his face and is giggling behind it.

Cena's looking at the officer with a "puppy dog" expression in his eyes. The officer smiles and says, "Ah what the hell, you're white. Sure you can go! You know, I should've known you weren't one of those darkies, being that you drive a Saltine box-car and you don't have those damn tinted windows, so I can actually SEE who's driving. Have a nice day, fella!"

So Cena continues on toward the WalMart, and as soon as the officer clears out, Kane bursts out in a fit of laughter—yes, in that gruff, depressing voice he has.

Cena sighs and asks, "What's so funny? What are you laughin' at?"

Kane, still trying to catch his breath says, "Oh god…man you totally turned into a bitch in front of that officer. You shoulda' seen yourself, you looked as if you were going to shit your shorts! Bwaahahahaaaa!"

Cena, now trying to talk shit, says, "Man please, he can't see this! I'm John Cena, the biggest rap star ever! I'm a rap legend, yo! I mean, think about it—there's Tupac, Biggie, Run DMC, Ice Cube, T.I., and John Cena!"

At this, Kane laughs even harder than before and this time, he's pounding the dashboard as Cena waves him off, shaking his head.

* * *

(We'll check in on Kurt and King, now…)

King says, "…so I told her that if she expects MY vote in the diva contest, she's gonna' have to…kneel before the king and pay her dues by sucking my wang!"

Kurt laughs a little and says, "You know, you're not the only one with love stories, you know?"

King smiles and asks, "Really? You have them, too?"

Kurt furrows his bow and answers, "Are you kidding me? I've got plenty—Oh, it's true!"

King raises an eyebrow and says, "Ok, so tell me about a couple."

Kurt smiles and says, "Ok…uh, well Mr. McMahon's daughter, Stephanie, kissed your Olympic hero! Right on the cheek, I might add!"

King starts laughing and Kurt grimaces a little and asks, "What's so damn funny?"

King says, "Well Kurt, that was, like four years ago on RAW!"

Kurt tries to reason, "I mean, really…when she kissed your Olympic hero, even though it WAS on the cheek, she left that kiss on for, like, a second longer than normal! Oh it's true, iiiiit's true!"

King is laughing his ass off right now as Kurt tries to prove that he's a lover, not a fighter.

Kurt says, "Well…ok, then there was that time that Torri hugged me 'goodbye'. She left that hug on for a few seconds too long, you know? My Olympic flagpole started to rise when I felt those soft silicone jugs on my chest, Oh, iiiiit's true!"

King, just catching his breath, finally speaks up, "C'mon man, you're killin' me! Bwahahahahaaaa!"

Kurt angrily retorts, "Oh yeah, that's the last time I share my love stories with you, pal! Hey, you know, at least I don't have to go around asking parents for their permission to date their daughters! Ha!"

The King's smile suddenly disappears and Kurt has a contented smile on his face and they continue to drive on.

* * *

(So as our superstars drive on toward Nevada, I'll stop this chapter righ'chere.) 


	4. Chapter 4

(Ok, the last time we left, Carlito and Masters were having a little laugh, Booker and Sharmell were trying to get cooled off, King and Kurt were exchanging their love stories, and Cena and Kane were on their way to WalMart. We'll now rejoin Cena and Kane as they pull into the parking lot at WalMart.)

Cena, looking around the parking lot, says, "Damn yo, there a'int no parkin' spaces out here, can't someone get a playa' a beer?"

Kane spots a parking space and says, "Hey, there's one. "

So Cena pulls into the parking space, he shuts off his engine and says, "Yo, I only need like, two things in here—armpit deodorant and a pack of life savers, so get out the car, and do someone a favor."

Kane furrows his brow and asks, "Well, what do you want me to do?"

Cena squints at Kane and says, "Huh?"

Kane asks again, "You said you wanted me to do you a favor, now I'm asking you 'what is it'?"

Cena grimaces and says, "Yo, them maggots must be eatin' at yo' brain, 'cause I ain't got no pain."

Kane shrugs, puts on his mask, and they head into the store. Kane goes over to the grocery section, while Cena runs over to the personal hygiene aisle.

Kane's browsing around the frozen foods section, and a beautiful young lady is staring at him. After a few moments, she approaches him. She says, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice how handsome you are. I just looove a man with red tights and extra-high black wrasslin' boots on."

Kane turns and looks at her, and in his usual gruff voice, says, "Thank you, pretty lady. I have a pair of black tights at home, it's part of my other outfit. Hey, my name's Kane, what's yours?"

She smiles and says, "My name's Barbara, it's nice to meet you, Kane. Hey, do you come out here often?"

Kane shrugs and says, "No, I'm actually here with a co-worker, he's getting underarm deodorant."

She nods and says, "Well, are you FROM around here, do you have any siblings?"

Kane says, "Well yeah, I have a brother."

Barbara smiles and nods. She asks, "Well, what's his name?"

Kane says, "His name's 'The'."

Barbara has a confused expression on her face as she asks, "Um…ok, well, what's his last name?"

Kane replies, "Undertaker."

Barbara laughs a little and says, "That's certainly an interesting name, he's named after a…profession, I see. Well, are you and The..Undertaker from around here?"

Kane shakes his head and says, "Uh no, you see, when I was little, my older brother locked me in the basement of my mom's house. Then he threw a match down the steps and I caught on fire. I came to learn that a guy named Paul Bearer is actually my dad—at least that's what my boss Vince tells me."

Barbara is wide-eyed at hearing Kane's story. She says, "Uh…well, that-that's…interesting."

Kane continues, "Yeah, so when I turned 18, I went to my prom with the love of my life, Katie. I got her drunk that night and let her drive me to her house. Well, she crashed and she died, but I was ok, though."

The lady's just slowly shaking her head, with a look of pity on her face.

Kane continues, "Well, I was determined that night that I wasn't going to remain a virgin forever. I had plans, dammit! So, before I called the paramedics, I gave her my flower right there in that scrunched-up car—there was just enough room. I have to admit, though, that I climaxed sooner than I had expected—the sight of her blood all over my charbroiled penis was more than I could stand, I—"

Suddenly wide-eyed, she checks her watch real quick and frantically cuts him off, "---Uh, yeah…uh, um…It's been real, see ya!"

She scurries off and Kane sighs and shrugs, saying, "…I guess I'm too much man for her. I do wish I had another chance with Katie, though. That just wasn't like me to…end so prematurely."

Suddenly, Cena comes running up to Kane. He says, "Yo man, I got my stuff, let's go git' a cigarette and take a puff!"

So they leave the store and drive out of the parking lot.

* * *

(We'll now join Booker and Sharmell, as they've just stopped to get gas.)

Sharmell says, "Book, I'll pump the gas, you run in the store and get us some chips."

Booker smiles and says, "Well, what kind you want?"

"Get me barbeque. If they don't have that, get me sour cream and onion."

"Ok babe, be right back!"

So Booker strolls into the mini-mart. He gets his chips and picks up two Coca-Colas. He heads up to the register, which is empty. He waits a few minutes and no one shows up.

He says aloud, "Hey, you got customa's out here!"

A voice in the back responds, "Just a minute, I have to get done here!"

Booker rolls his eyes and says, "C'mon man! I'm in a hurry, git' yo ass out here, sucka!"

A man comes walking out of the back area, wiping his hands on a towel, he's not paying attention to who's waiting at the register. The man looks up and his and Booker's eyes meet.

They point at each other and say, "HEY YOU!"

Booker smiles and says, "Damn dawg, this is what happened to you, man? Albert! You workin' at da' Kwik Stop, huh? Livin' lawge', huh playa'?"

Albert rolls his eyes and says, "Yeah, whatever guy. It's only temporary, anyway. I'll be back in the ring full time in no time—just watch!"

Booker, still smiling, says, "Man shut up and gimme' 20 on pump 8…SUCKAAAA! Hahaha! Oh yeah, lemme' git this stuff, too, bitch!"

Albert smirks while ringing up Booker's stuff. He says, "Hm…Booker T, hey, did'ja ever learn how to properly recite your title reigns? Or do you still have trouble counting to 5? Hehehe!"

Booker's smile disappeares and his eyes widen. He says, "Tell me…you did NOT just say that!"

Albert nods and says, "Oh, but in fact, I did…homie. Now get your half-reading, illiterate ass outta' my store, before I derail your black ass!"

Just as Booker and Albert are staring angrily at each other, Sharmell walks in.

She says, "What's going on, here?" She notices Albert and asks, "Albert? Is that you?"

Albert nods slowly, never taking his eyes off of Booker.

Sharmell asks Booker, "Book, what's going on, here?"

Booker spouts out, "'Dis foo' right here be sayin' 'dat I don't be knowin' how to reci--…recti--…retic--…he be sayin' I don't know how to count my title reigns! But peep'dis, baby—I'm-a show him, though!"

Sharmell, with a worried look on her face, shakes her head, trying to convince Booker that this wasn't a good idea.

Booker says, "Ha! Stan' back, baby…and see yo' man in action!"

Albert has a conceited smirk on his face as he folds his arms, waiting for Booker to start.

Booker holds his hand up in front of his face and his eyes widen. Sharmell's in the background crossing her fingers. Booker forcefully says, "I'm 'da 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time duh-cee-duh champion!"

Sharmell hangs her head and sighs as Albert bursts out laughing.

Booker excitedly says to Albert, "Yeah, see 'dat, boy? Da' Bookerman done DID 'dat thang! Let's be out, baby!"

Sharmell shakes her head and closes her eyes, saying, "Book…baby, you didn't…you didn't do it. "

Booker angrily spouts out, "Wha'chu mean 'baby, you di'in do it'? I DID 'dat thang, girl!"

Sharmell shakes her head and says, "No, you didn't, hon."

Albert is bent over laughing as Booker's frantically trying to point out that he did it right.

Booker wails aloud, "But baby, I counted along—I KNOW I did it right!"

Well, after hearing that, Albert was laughing even harder than before.

Sharmell quietly says, "C'mon Book, let's go…"

Booker, being pulled out of the store, loudly says, "No baby, I can do this! I KNOW I can do this—"

She drags Booker out of the store as Booker's still trying to recite his five title reigns to show her that he CAN get them done right. As she's dragging him out, Albert's still pointing and laughing at him.

* * *

(Ok, so we'll meet up with Kurt and Jerry, who've decided to hit a drive-thru because Kurt hasn't eaten yet.)

King sighs and says, "Kurt, did you HAVE to pick a McDonald's drive-thru? I mean, this line's like four cars deep."

Kurt says, "Don't worry, your Olympic hero will not take a long time ordering. I already know what I want."

King says, "Huh…thank god, man."

So the line moves and a few minutes later, it's Kurt's turn to order. King pulls up to the loudspeaker and an eerily familiar, but slightly depressed-sounding voice comes over the other end of the loudspeaker.

The voice drearily says, "Hello, may I take your order?"

Kurt leans over and places his order, "Uh yeah, I'll have a large salad with NO ONIONS, ok? The last time I came to McDonalds and asked for no onions, I had a salad FULL of onions!"

With a slightly sarcastic tone, the voice says, "Well sir, we'll make sure that there aren't any onions in your salad, mmkay?"

Kurt glances at Jerry as Jerry just shrugs. Kurt hesitates and answers, "Uh…sure, ok then."

There's about a two-minute pause. Kurt grimaces a little and asks, "Hello? Is anyone there? Hellooooo…"

The voice comes back on, sighs and asks, "Yeeees?"

Kurt asks, "Well, how much do I owe?"

The voice says, "You owe three dollars. Pull around to the second window…please."

Kurt mentions to Jerry, "Why is it that everywhere I go, I get lousy customer service? I'm an Olympic freaking hero, for crying out loud!"

Jerry says, "Well, I don't know the answer to that one, but that woman's voice sounded kinda' familiar, didn't you think?"

Kurt thinks for a second and says, "You know? You're right, that voice DID sound like someone I know! I guess we're just going to see who it belongs to when we pull around?"

Jerry shrugs and the line starts moving. They pull up to the second window and no one's there. After about three minutes, the woman emerges and opens the window. Jerry and Kurt look at each other and point at the woman simultaneously.

Kurt exclaims, "Heeeeeey! I remember you! You remember her, Jerry?"

Jerry wide-eyed exclaims, "Hells yeah I remember her! Sable! Sable! What brings you here? What…happened to you?"

Sable rolls her eyes as the guys marvel. Did I mention that she's wearing that leopard-print outfit she used to wear? Except now it's a little faded, and it has ketchup, mustard, and bodily fluid stains on it and it reeks of onions and fish.

She sighs and says, "Well if it isn't the Olympic Zero and his travellin' buddy, the world's biggest perv, Jerry Lawler. What, you boys on the, uh, the beer and porn run?"

Jerry shrugs and Kurt nods.

Sable says, "Well, I got your order. Here you go."

Sable reaches back and hands the boys their order. Kurt takes his order, but doesn't open it. They pay for their meal and drive off.

King says, "Boy, she sure looked hot, in sort of a-a Jerry Springer kind of way."

Kurt nods and says, "She really let herself go, didn't she?"

Kurt opens his bag and pulls out the salad. He opens it and says, "Boy am I hungry, I just can't—"

Kurt stares at the salad and purses his lips. Jerry asks, "Hahaa…what's wrong, Kurt?"

Kurt sighs, nodding and looking out of the side window. He closes his eyes and calmly says, "King, turn the van around, please."

King asks, "Well, what's wrong?"

Kurt repeats a little more audibly, "King, turn this van around! That little stuck-up whore put onions in my freakin' salad!"

So Jerry sighs and turns the van around. They drive back to the restaurant. Kurt gets out of the van and says, "Keep the motor running, this won't be long."

King yells back, "Ok, but hurry up!"

Kurt storms into the restaurant and Sable is at the front register filing her nails. Kurt stomps up to her and throws his salad on the counter and opens the box.

Sable furrows her brow. She looks at the box and then back at Kurt. She says, "Well can I help you?"

Kurt glances away momentarily and simply says, "Look at this salad."

Sable looks at it and shrugs.

Kurt asks, "When I ordered this, what did I SPECIFICALLY ask for NONE of?"

Sable thinks for a second and says, "Onions."

Kurt smiles, pointing to the salad, and he asks, "Ok now what are those?"

Sable nonchalantly says, "Onions."

She and Kurt just exchange glances at each other and at the salad for a couple moments.

Kurt blurts out impatiently, "Well, what are you going to do about this?"

Sable shrugs and asks, "Well, what do you want me to do?"

Kurt stomps around in a circle throwing his up his arms. He exclaims, "Well, I'd like the salad I freaking ASKED for, that's what!"

Sable smirks a little and reaches in back of her, grabs another salad container and says, "Here."

Kurt rolls his eyes and asks, "How do you know there aren't any onions in THIS one?"

Sable shrugs and Kurt impatiently yells, "FINE then! I'll just pick the freaking onions out myself. Geez, you people are the most incompetent group of…IDIOTS I've EVER come across!"

As Kurt's going off, you could hear a pin drop in the restaurant, it's so quiet. Kurt storms out the door and after he leaves, Sable smirks and turns to her coworker who says, "Sable, you're right. He IS a jerk!"

* * *

(Ok, I'm tired tonight, so I'll stop it there. Any questions?

…I fucking thought not.)

Is there anyone smoother with the women than Kane? Will Booker T learn how to count to 5? What do those divas eat that cause their bowels to turn so rotten? All these questions will be answered when you tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel!


	5. Chapter 5

(Well, we left off last with a disgruntled Kurt Angle storming out of a McDonald's. Now, however, we'll join Carlito and Masters, as they've just passed through Pendleton, OR. They've just arrived at a rest stop just off of the highway.)

Carlito smiles and says, "Yeah, Carlito needs a rest. Hey Chris, Carlito will be in the gift shop."

Masters nods and says, "Well I gotta' piss like a race horse. I'll be there shortly…I hope."

So Carlito heads into the gift shop while Masters heads over toward the bathrooms, hoping that the lines wouldn't be too long. As he's nearing the facilities, he starts to grimace a little as the stench of urine is becoming increasingly potent.

He walks up a set of stairs and finds the restrooms, which to his disappointment, have a line formed outside of them.

Masters sees all the people waiting and exclaims, "Aw HELL no! This line's like fuckin'…9 people deep!"

So, not being able to think of an alternative plan at this time, he sighs and gets to the back of the line.

After a few minutes, the line doesn't appear to be shortening. He says to himself while dancing around holding his crotch area, "Shit! I fucking KNEW I shouldn't have had all that No Xplode! Fucking hell!"

Then, a sinister plan comes to his mind. He smiles and says, "Ah, a sinister plan has come to my mind!" (Yeah…creative, aren't I?)

Masters notices that the women's restroom line is considerably shorter than the men's line. He strokes his chin and smiles like a Cheshire cat. He arches an eyebrow and casually sneaks out of his line and hides behind a divider just off to the side of the bathrooms. The women have to walk past the divider to get into line to use the facilities.

So, he watches the women go past for a few moments and then an older woman clearly wearing a wig walks by slowly. He carefully, but forcefully, removes the wig from the old woman's head and then he emerges from behind the divider, adjusting the wig on his head so that it fits right.

He heads for the women's line and some people start staring. He looks at them and says in his most feminine-sounding voice, "Hi ya'll…I'm just'a girl, ya'know. I'm just a girl and I have to piss—er, I mean, peeeee."

For SOME reason, the people quit staring. For all intents and purposes, Masters is standing in line in his wrestling gear, only with a blonde wig on. (I ALWAYS prefer to have the wrestlers in their wrestling gear when I write my stories. I feel that it makes for a good comedy effect.)

He then takes this opportunity to bully and force his way up through the line until he is second. The lady behind him shoots him an evil stare and Masters turns and asks, once again, in his "feminine" voice, "Hey do you have a problem?"

The lady angrily retorts, "Yes, in fact I DO! I've been waiting here in this line for damn near a half fucking hour! You can't just barge ahead of me like that!"

Masters, mildly disturbed by this rebuttal, says in a "mixed" voice, "Well, would you like to take the masterlock challenge?"

The lady grimaces and asks, "Wha? What's that?"

Masters spins the lady around and clamps in the Masterlock and starts violently shaking her back and forth. She kicks her left leg back, low-blowing him in the process. Just then, a lady comes out of the bathroom and the woman in line dusts herself off and snarls at Masters, who's lying on the ground in the fetal position, simultaneously clutching his crotch and pissing himself.

Masters yells out, in his real MASCULINE voice, "AAAAARGH, GOD…DAMMIT! AAAAARGH!"

It so happens that, at the same time, Carlito is coming up that way, eating his apple. He sees Masters lying on the ground in the fetal position in a growing puddle of his own urine, wearing a now-crooked wig. He also sees that the women in the line were oblivious to him being there.

Carlito looks around with a blank expression on his face, takes a bite out of his apple, bends over, and asks, "Masterlock Challenge?"

Masters, with his eyes tightly shut, simply nods. Carlito stands over him shaking his head.

* * *

(We'll leave them be for a bit and play catch-up with Kane and Cena, who are just leaving a rest area and are on their way back on the highway.)

Kane says, "Man, we needed that rest."

Cena nods and says, "Yo man, I'm glad you drivin' now, I gots ta' eat my chicken off a towel!"

Kane grimaces slightly and asks, "You know, I've been meaning to ask you this for some time now. Why do you always have to rhyme your lines?"

Cena furrows his brow and asks, "Well, what you mean, playa'?"

Kane says, "Yeah, every time you talk, you just seemingly HAVE to rhyme your lines. It's fucking annoying."

Cena says, "Yo, yo, yo…eh now, I don't talk about you and that arsonist thing you got goin', so why you doggin' MY game? You see, when I bust mad lyrics all over yo' ass, you'll be wishin' we ran outta' gas!"

Kane pounds the dashboard and Cena jumps a little. Kane says, "See? THAT'S what I'm fucking talking about! You always have to…to… RHYME everything."

Cena smirks and replies, "It sounds like you playa' hatin', you need to go home and fix me some bacon!"

Kane sighs and keeps on driving. Cena smiles and says, "Hey, I'll tell you what, yo. I'm gonna' treat you to a John Cena freestyle rap! Then you'll see all 'da mad skills I possess."

Kane's eyes widen momentarily as he says, "NO…please, for all that is and isn't holy—PLEASE don't. Could you just do me that favor, guy?"

Cena rolls his eyes and says, "Man, whateva'…everybody be hatin' on a nigga' like me!"

Kane starts, "Look, man…you're NOT what comes to mind when people say nig--, I mean, the 'n' word, and further—" Kane sighs and shrugs, saying, "Ah…nevermind. Trying to talk sense to you is like…like talking to a brick wall—a brick wall that can't rap properly."

Cena furrows his brow and asks, "Can brick walls rap? At home, I have a bed so I can take a nap!"

Kane sighs and rolls his eyes as he drives along.

* * *

(Hey, let's check in on Kurt and Jerry, who left a Burger King about a half-hour ago. Hey, the King was hungry.)

Kurt smiles and says, "Hey Jerry, thanks for letting me drive your van. It runs so smooth!"

Jerry laughs a little and says, "Aaah…yeah, she does, doesn't she? You know, it reminds me of my 8th fiancée—the way her ass just felt so soft and smooth as her mother changed her diaper."

Kurt does a double-take at Jerry in disbelief at what he's hearing. Kurt asks, "What? You mean to tell me that you actually…DO those things?"

Jerry furrows his brow and says, "Why sure, man! I ain't getting any younger!"

Kurt grimaces as Jerry continues, "Yeah man, I like waiting in the hospital. In fact, ofttimes I'm in the delivery room along with the mother, waiting for her daughter to be born. The anticipation is…is…just ORGASMIC! It's like waiting on a cake to get done, you can't stick your knife in just yet, but when she's been out in the open long enough, your knife just sinks right in! HAHAHAHAAAA!"

Kurt grimaces and says, "You know, this is getting uncomfortable…could we please talk about something el—"

Jerry, still excited from the mental picture he's just built for himself, cuts Kurt off and continues, "You know, last week, I had to piledrive Michael Jackson—he was trying to work my turf in the maternity ward! I had to tell him that HE had the boys and I had the girls! Then from out of nowhere, here comes that…no good pisser, R. Kelly! He just—"

Kurt just holds up his hand and exclaims, "PLEASE, JUST STOP IT! That's shit's disturbing, man! I'm surprised you haven't been locked up yet, you know that?"

The King rebuts, "Ah, whadd'you know? You probably like these old-assed women, like 21 and-and 22-year olds. I mean, you can see the wrinkles on their faces! I don't wanna' be out with an old woman, Kurt! They try to shave themselves, and while it's a valiant effort, I prefer the 'not grown in yet' look! Hahaha!"

Kurt shakes his head and he drives on in silence as King muses on.

Kurt raises his eyebrows and says, "I'm gonna' get you some help when we get back. Oh, it's true!"

* * *

(Ok, now let's check in on Booker and Sharmell, who've stopped at a barbeque rib stand.)

Booker gets in line and says, "Man, I sho' is hungry! I ain't had nothin' t'eat in fo'-eva'"

Sharmell says, "Ok look, when we get to the front of the line, can I please do the ordering?"

Booker smiles and says, "Sure, ok baby—wait…nah, hold up! You tryin' t'say 'dat 'dey ain't gon' be understandin' da' Bookerman? Iz 'dat what you is be sayin'?"

Sharmell laughs nervously, smiles brightly and shrugs as if she's innocent.

Booker angrily says, "Nah woman, I be doin' 'da orderin'."

Sharmell sighs and the line starts moving again. Five minutes pass, and it's now time for Booker to order.

The lady at the register sighs and asks, "Hello, may I take your order?"

Booker smiles and points to the menu, saying, "Yeah, yeah, lemme' 'git some ribs, some 'collid greens, some---Hey babe you be wantin' anything?"

Sharmell nods and asks Booker to order her a catfish sandwich.

Booker continues, "Yeah, lemme be gittin' a-a catfish sammich', a—what's 'dat word right 'dere, baby?"

Sharmell sighs and says, "Book, that says, 'cantaloupe'—it's pronounced 'cant-uh-lope'."

Booker nods and says, "Oh, a'ight, a'ight 'din, lemme be gittin summa' 'dat c-c-can't-uh-lope? 'Dat right, baby? Yeah, cant-uh-lope! Now, how much 'dat be bein'?"

The lady at the register is just squinting at Booker T as Booker is smiling back at her. She has a confused expression on her face. She holds up her finger to tell Booker that she'll be back. She nudges the cook, who's within earshot of the order and he appeared to understand exactly what Booker ordered. He turns around and…

Booker T and the guy look at each other, one trying to recognize the other.

Booker asks, "I KNOW I be seein' you somewheres' befo', man!"

The guy nods and says, "Yeah, I know I've seen you. You're Booker T, ain't you?"

Booker smiles and nods. He asks, "Yeah, but who is you?"

The guy replies, "I'm D-Lo Brown!"

Booker and Sharmell look at each other and then back at D-Lo.

D-Lo says, "Man, you remember me! Remember this?..."

D-Lo stretches out his arms, sticks out his lips, makes his head bobble, and says aloud, "Oh, you better recognize!"

Booker's mouth is agape as he points at D-Lo in a "NOW I recognize you" type fashion.

Booker exclaims, "Hey man, It be coo' knowin' anotha' brotha' be chillin' out in here, yo. F'real, though!"

Sharmell thinks and an idea hits her. Sharmell asks, "Hey D-Lo, we're on this wacky trip for Mr. Mcmahon—"

D-Lo stops her, smiles and says, "Don't tell me—the beer and porn run?"

Sharmell nods and says, "Hey, why don't you come along with us?"

Booker shoots her a disturbed glance. He pulls her aside and whispers, "Yo, wha'chu doin'? We don't be needin' nobody else up in 'dis piece!"

Sharmell points out, "Look, lets be honest, he's the only one that has been able to understand every word you say, he can really help us out! I mean, think about it, three heads ARE better than one, right? The sooner we win that prize, the sooner we can book the show so that you can become champion! So just…go along with it, ok baby?"

Booker sighs and nods. Sharmell approaches D-Lo again and says, "D-lo, have you made your mind up yet?"

D-Lo says, "Ok, I'll go, but what's the prize invoved?"

Sharmell explains, "Well, if we win, we get to head the creative meeting and act as interim GM's during the next RAW show."

D-Lo smiles and says, "Ha! I'm down with that! Let's roll!"

The lady from behind the counter sees the three of them leaving and she yells out, "Hey get back here, where do you think you're going?"

D-Lo yells back, "I quit, ya' fat bitch! PEACE!"

(So they all pile into the stock car and drive off in a frenzy as the dust flies all over the road. And, I'll end this chapter here.)

* * *

Don't forget to tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior, place, same warrior channel! 


	6. Chapter 6

(When we last left, Booker and Sharmell recruited the services of D'Lo Brown to help them win…somehow--not to mention helping people to better understand Booker T. Now, we'll join Carlito and Masters, who are just crossing the Nevada state line…)

Masters points out, "Man, we're finally in Nevada."

Carlito nods and says, "Yeah, It's pretty cool, huh?"

Masters nods and says, "Yeah…it is cool. As a matter of fact, It'd be cooler when we hit Reno! I'm feelin' pretty damn lucky!"

Carlito smirks and snidely points out, "Yeah, just like when you got kicked in the balls back at that rest stop, huh?"

Masters shakes his head and says, "Ah, shut up! She just got lucky!"

Carlito raises his eyebrows and says, "Yeah, my point exactly. SHE got lucky—as a matter of fact, wait'll the boys back at the WWE hear that the fist person to break the Masterlock was a middle-aged lady! They're gonna' massacre you, dude."

Masters points a finger in Carlito's face and says, "Hey, you're not telling ANYONE about that shit, alright? Um, I mean…pretty please?"

Carlito smiles and starts humming "Oh Suzanna, Don't You Cry For Me".

Masters thinks for a second and an evil grin crosses his face. He says, "You won't say shit, or I'll tell them about that time that you broke into Mr. McMahon's house and stole a pair of Linda's dirty panties and wore them on your head as you ran off!"

Carlito's eyes widen and he says, "Uh…C-Carlito thinks you're secret's safe with him, bud. We're cool, right? Ehehehe…"

Masters smirks, fold his arms and nods.

* * *

(So, we'll leave them alone for a while and join up with Jerry and Kurt, who are in northern Nevada, nearing Reno.)

Kurt says, "Hey King, that sign we just passed said that Reno's about 100 miles away."

Jerry says, "Oh man…Reno. Hey, back in my younger years, I used to have plenty of fun in Reno. Hey, you know they call Reno 'the biggest little city in the world'?"

Kurt asks, "Really? Hm…it should be interesting, then."

Jerry nods and says, "Yeah, truth be known, though—Reno's an excellent hooker town."

Kurt glances at Jerry and says, "No kidding? So, you mean to tell me that your Olympic hero can get him self a good slice of pie in Reno?"

Jerry laughs a little and gleefully replies, "Sure, if you know where to go. I go to this one trailer park just outside the city limits. Kurt, I tell you, there's this lady there that has these five daughters, right?"

Kurt nods as Jerry continues.

Jerry says, "Ok, she whores her daughters out so that she can pay her bills. You see, it-it's a beautiful system!"

Kurt shakes his head and says, "Well, sounds…interesting, but trailer parks aren't my thing."

King points out, "Ok, fair enough, but might I mention that her third daughter gives the best fucking head…ever?"

Kurt raises an eyebrow and says, "Yeah, but you say that about every…girl that…services you."

King thinks for a second and says, "Yeah, you're right. You're exactly right."

Kurt smiles and points out, "Now, when your Olympic hero gets…serviced, he likes to use the three I's—intelligence, integrity, and intensity."

King, with a confused expression, asks, "Well, how are the three I's applicable when you're getting slob-knobbed?"

Kurt does a double-take and asks, "Wha? Did you say 'slob-knobbed'?"

King just smiles and nods.

Kurt shrugs and continues, "Well anyway, It's like I've said a million times before—the three I's are applicable in ALL areas of life. When a woman takes care of me…like that, I have the INTELLIGENCE to run my fingers through her hair when she does it—so that she won't get distracted or anything and quit. Secondly, I use INTEGRITY and tell her when I'm about to…you know? Finally, when I finish up, I finish up with INTENSITY—I sorta' tend to have that geyser effect happening."

King smiles and nods, saying, "Gee Kurt, I never looked at it like that. When I finish, I usually…well, let's just say that I like to pretend that her face is on fire and I try to, uh…'extinguish' that fire, HAHA!"

Kurt smiles, shaking his head slowly as they drive along.

* * *

(Ok, let's leave them alone for a bit and check up on Cena and Kane, as they're closing in on Reno, as well.)

Kane asks, "Hey, have you ever been to Reno?"

Cena shakes his head and says, "Nah…I ain't never been to Reno, that's why my best friend's wife is a Philippino."

Kane nods and a thought crosses his mind. He smiles, saying, "Hey, you know that Mickie James chick?"

Cena smiles, nodding slowly.

Kane continues, "Well, I just remembered that last week, she said that she'd like a piece of my fried swizzlestick. Ha…ha…ha…ha…ha."

Cena smiles and asks, "Ha, f'real, dawg? Yeah, lately I HAVE been noticing her kinda' stayin' close to you, and my favorite soup is vegetable."

Kane smiles and says, "Yeah, when we get back, I think I'm-a choke slam her on my bed and GIVE her a piece of what she asked for! It's been a while since I've given any women any of my candy Kane, ha…ha…ha…ha…ha."

Cena furrows his brow and asks, "Yo man, why you laugh like that? Don't you know my favorite book is 'The Cat in the Hat'?"

Kane replies, "I don't know, that's just…how I laugh. I guess it's one of those things. You try to rhyme your lines when you talk, I just happen to have a strange laugh."

Cena asks, "Ok, and that doesn't stop Mickie from tryin' to kick game to you? Because Fred Flintstone always says, 'Yabba-dabba-doo'!"

Kane shakes his head, saying, "Nope, she says she loves it, in fact. She's weird like that—DAMN IT, now you've got ME doin' it!"

Cena smiles and nods, saying, "See? That's what's up! I knew you could do it—you too can rhyme, just like my favorite pie is key lime!"

Kane sighs and rolls his eyes as he and Cena motor on down the highway.

* * *

(So finally, we'll join the trio of Booker, Sharmell, and D-lo as they are also nearing Reno…)

Booker smiles and says, "Eh baby, I ova'herd 'dat skank Torrie talkin' 'bout how she gon' try an' 'git her man a job in da' dub-dub-ee!"

Sharmell smiles a little and asks, "Torrie? You mean loose-assed Torrie?"

Booker smiles, nodding, he says, "Yup!"

Sharmell squints at Booker and she asks, "Wait, wait, you mean stank-breath Torrie?"

Booker nods, saying, "F'real, yo. She say', she be sayin' 'dat her man gon' come back and win 'da tag-team title all by himself, now can you dig 'dat?"

Sharmell and D-Lo look at each other and shrug.

D-lo speaks up, "Hey, back when I first got to WWE, there was this chick named Sunny. Sharmell, Booker, to say that this chick's breath stunk is like saying that the Atlantic ocean is damp."

Booker and Sharmell start laughing as D-Lo continues, "Yeah, It was like, every time she talked to me, her breath…it-it just always smelled like a mixture of dirty crotch, old shoes, and…shit!"

Sharmell laughs, saying to Booker, "Hahaha…reminds me of Trish…"

Booker raises his eyebrows, points at Sharmell, and says, "Oh ma' GAWD! HELL yea'! Yo D-lo, 'dis broad's bref' be bangin'! An' win' you try an' give her a mint or a-a piece a' gum, she be all like 'nah, 'that's ok.' I rememba' one time, me an' a couple uh'da boys wrapped a can of Altoids in Christmas wrappin' paper, we knocked on her hotel room door, dropped the can outside her door an' ran off! Man, 'dat shit was hilarious!"

D-Lo laughs a little and asks, "Well, did she take 'em?"

Booker smiles and says, "Yeah, she must hadda' tooken 'em. 'Cause 'dat next night on RAW, she was goin' 'round 'da locka'room interrog--…integri--…interrig--…(sigh) she was goin' round AXIN' people who left 'dat can at her door!"

Sharmell nods, saying, "Mmm…you ain't lyin' baby. That hoe's breath is so bad, you wanna' ask her—hell I wanna' ask ker, 'bitch, did you have like, a…shit omelet for breakfast, or somethin'?'"

Booker and D-Lo are laughing aloud as Sharmell continues, "Yeah, I remember one afternoon, someone asked her to wake me up for a photo shoot I was goin' to, right? Well, she woke me up and wouldn't you know that my breath was STILL fresher than hers? I asked her, I asked, 'How come I'm just wakin' up and YOU the one with the morning breath?' She just laughed and thought I was jokin'. The hell I _was_."

* * *

(So I'm going to end this chapter here. It looks like our superstars are headed to Reno! Tune in again, same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel!) 


	7. Chapter 7

(Ok, we're back! Our superstars have just hit Reno and the superstars are sort of shutting down for the evening. We'll join Carlito and Masters, who are in a casino…)

Masters and Carlito walk into the Peppermill Casino. Masters looks around and flashes a huge grin.

Masters stretches and says, "Ah…boy, it' sure is good to get off the road. I could use a drink and a few rounds of blackjack, how 'bout you?"

Carlito takes a bite of his apple and says, "Yeah, that'd be cool, man. Let's go."

They approach the blackjack table and Masters mentions, "Hey man, what hotel are we staying in?"

Carlito looks around and replies, "Well…how about this one?"

Masters shrugs and they both sit down at the blackjack table. The dealer says, "Good evening, there's a 500-dollar starting wage for this table.

Carlito and Masters look at each other and place their bets on the table.

The dealer deals the hand and Masters tries to casually peek at Carlito's hand.

Carlito, catching him, says, "Hey, Carlito sees that! Cut it out, that's not cool!"

Masters snickers to himself a little and says, "Ok, hit me!"

The dealer gives him another card. Masters is holding a 10 of diamonds, a three of spades, and his new card…

Masters flips the new card over and rolls his eyes.

Carlito notices and asks, "What? What'd you get?"

Masters pounds the table and screams "FUCK!"

The dealer says, "Sir, you're gonna' have to calm down or I'm going to have to ask security to escort you out."

Carlito asks again, "What's wrong?"

Masters angrily says, "I got a fuckin' 10 of clubs!"

Carlito looks at his own hand and he's holding a 9 of spades and an Ace of diamonds. He strokes his chin as another player asks for another hit.

Carlito finally speaks up, "Uh, yeah…hit me."

The dealer slides another card toward Carlito and he smiles wide and loudly says, "BLACKJACK!"

Masters hears this and he flips his stool over and storms out of the area.

Carlito collects his winnings and stays to play for another hand. Masters angrily makes his way toward the Roulette table.

* * *

(We'll leave those two and join up with Kurt and Jerry—who's red-hot at a craps table in the Eldorado Casino.)

There's a huge crowd around the craps table, as Jerry's now wearing someone's cowboy hat. He has a woman on either side of him as he rolls the dice and…

The dealer belts out, "SEVEN! WE HAVE ANOTHER WINNA'!"

The crowd's in a frenzy as Kurt leans over and says into Jerry's ear, "Hey, you've already won 10,000 dollars, don't you think you should quit?"

King laughs and says, "Aw, c'mon Kurt! No way, I'm on a roll! HAHAHAAA!"

Jerry rolls the dice again and…

"SEVEN!"

The crowd's in an uproar, chanting "Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry", in a Jerry Springer-type fashion.

Jerry holds up his hands and quiets the crowd down, he says, "Hey, hey guys! This roll is for my best friend—hey, toots, what's your name? Oh yeah! This next roll's for Tawni!"

Jerry rolls the dice again, and…

"SEVEN AGAIN, FOLKS!"

The woman kisses Jerry on the cheek as Kurt is standing by, shaking his head. Amidst the cheering crowd, Kurt says to Jerry, "You know, your luck could easily run out, you know?"

King sighs and says, "Ugh…relax, Kurt! Hahaha! I'm on a roll, besides, nothing can stop me now! I'm HOT!"

Kurt sighs and says, "Ok, look, I'm gonna go get a drink and a room, I'm a bit tired, anyway."

Two women are kissing Jerry at the same time as Kurt turns to leave.

* * *

(Meanwhile, in the Golden Phoenix casino, we have Booker, Sharmell, and D-Lo.)

Sharmell says to Booker, "Hey sweetie, I'm beat. I'm gonna' go get us a room. D-Lo, you'd better get a room, too."

Sharmell and Booker kiss and she turns to leave. Booker and D-Lo walk toward the Roulette table.

When they get to the table, Booker asks the dealer, "Hey man, how much be yo' game, sucka?"

The dealer just turns to D-Lo and D-lo says, "He asked, 'How much for a game?'"

The dealer smiles and says, "Oh? It's a 200 dollar minimum wager."

Booker smiles and says, "A'ight, I'm-a git' summa' 'dis here, dawg! You in?"

D-Lo shakes his head, saying, "Nah, I never liked these things. You go ahead, brah."

Booker places his wage of 400 dollars on the table and places his bet. He says, "Yeah, lemme' git' fo' hunnid' on seb'n-teen black, sucka!"

The dealer turns toward D-Lo and D-Lo shrugs and says, "He said, '400 on 17 black'."

The dealer nods and accepts the other bets from the other players and then spins the wheel. The ball bounces and it lands on 17 black!

Booker jumps up and screams, "YEAH, 'DAT'S HOW I DO 'DIS THANG HERE! I won b'cause I be's a 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time—yo, how many is 'dat?"

D-lo says, "Four times."

Booker smiles and finishes, "…5-time, duh-cee-duh champion, now can you dig 'dat, sucka!"

D-Lo laughs a little and shakes his head as Booker places another bet.

* * *

(Let's leave those guys alone for a while and pay a visit to Kane and Cena, who are at the Harrah's hotel and casino.)

Kane and Cena approach the slot machines. Cena asks, "Yo Kane, you got any quarters? Give me one, and I'll drink a glass of water!"

Kane says, "Nope, all I got are bills, c'mon, let's go get some change.

So Cena and Kane walk over to the change window. As they're walking, however, they hear a loud dinging noise occurring about every three seconds.

Kane turns to Cena and asks, "Hey, you hear that?"

Cena nods and Kane, looking around, says, "It seems to be coming from over by the Poker table, let's go."

So Cena and Kane stroll on over to where the dinging noise is coming from and they find, of all people—Triple H!

Kane's eyes widen for a moment and he says, "Hey, what the fuck's Triple H doing here in Reno?"

Cena shrugs as he and Kane watch Triple H…pinning people in the casino! He has a referee with him making the counts, he has apparently recruited Funaki to ring the bell every time he finishes pinning someone and, for some reason, he has a long line of people waiting to get pinned by him.

Kane shakes his head, saying, "He just never quits, does he?"

Cena says, "Man, that punk Triple H is a buffoon, that's why I'm going home to eat Corn Flakes with a spoon.

Triple H notices Cena and Kane watching him. He angrily says, "You two want some? Get outta' here, I'm tryin' to leave this hotel and casino with a perfect win-loss record, now scram!"

Cena flips H off, and H loudly says, "You're lucky I'm pinning someone, or I'd come over there and shove a sledgehammer up your ass!"

Cena looks ready to go back over to Trips and Kane stops and refocuses him. Kane says, "Look, I'm going to get us some rooms, you're going to stay down here and play, then?"

Cena shakes his head, he says, "Nah nigga', I'm going to catch a show.:

Kane shrugs and he leaves as Cena looks around for the ballroom.

Cena passes a sign that gets his attention. The sign reads, _"Attention people! There's going to be a talent competition in the Sapphire Lounge tonight at 11. First prize is 5,000 dollars. Are you good enough to win? Well, come on in to find that out!"_

Cena smiles and says to himself, "Yeah…I'm gonna' win that talent competition, just watch! But first, I gotta' review my lyrics…"

So Cena struts to the front desk, checks out a room, and starts writing his lyrics. Eleven finally rolls around, and Cena's at the Sapphire lounge, waiting backstage for his turn to go up.

He discreetly peers around the curtain and sees…

Cena swallows hard because of what he sees out there. He says to himself, "Damn, I had no idea that this was a Gong Show! Shit, I could get…gonged."

It's Cena's turn, as the announcer calls his name. Cena comes out on stage, picks up a mic, and says, "Yo, yo, how's my chain gang doin'?"

Only two people are clapping as John Cena starts his routine…

"My name's John Cena, and I'm here to say,

I love to rap, in a major way.

My friends at home, don't pay me no mind,

'cause every time I shit, I wipe my behind.

I work with people who think they're so tough,

I be battlin' crimes, like I was McGruff.

All the ladies go for me,

'cause I like to sing from sea, to shining sea!

All my peeps, they be boastin',

About the Thanksgiving turkey, I be roastin'!

My pumps are made from Reebok,

And sometimes I like to smell my socks!

You know—"

_GOOOONNNNNNGGGGG!_

The audience is booing hysterically as someone offstage uses a shepherd's hook to yank Cena offstage.

The announcer loudly announces, "OOH…ANOTHER ONE GOES HOME! YOU PEOPLE ARE BRUTAL TONIGHT…"

A dejected John Cena slowly saunters out of the lounge as the announcer's voice gets more and more faint. He heads over to a bar, where he orders a shot of Yukon Jack.

He sips his drink and thinks to himself, "Damn…got booed offstage. I hope no one I know was watching that…Gotta' get my tires pumped, or else they'll go flat!"

* * *

Ok, let's end this here. So, how long is Jerry's streak going to be? When will Booker ever learn to speak…legibly? Most of all, though, looks like John Cena's rap career is starting to flail, huh? (Yeah, as if he ever had one…But, you can't tell HIM that, now can you?) These and other questions will be answered when you tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel! 


	8. Chapter 8

(Ok, last time we left off, John Cena got booed off stage at a talent show, Booker T and Jerry Lawler were winning money hand over fist at the various tables in different casinos. But, for now, we'll join up with…uuuuh…hm, let's join up with Carlito.)

Carlito's sitting at the blackjack table slamming his head into the palms of his hands repeatedly. The dealer asks, "Excuse me, sir, but how much do you wager?"

Carlito shakes his head slowly, shrugs and leaves. He just lost all of his travel money, save for 40 bucks. The deal was that he and Chris would split the bill for the trip. He runs into Chris Masters in the lobby, and a pain surges through his chest because he fears that Masters would ask him about their travel money.

Masters says, "Hey, I got us a couple rooms. I'm in 804 and you're in 807. I tried calling that rib joint Mr. McMahon wanted us to go to, but it's not even in the phone book."

Carlito, relieved that Masters didn't asks him about his money, grimaces and asks, "Huh? Well did you try asking anyone around here? I mean someone has to know where this place is."

Masters nods, sighs, and says, "Yeah man, no one knows--at least, no one that I've come across."

Carlito looks around the casino and spots a dark-skinned man at the bar just downing drinks, one after the other. He squints and sees that the guy is…Shelton Benjamin!

Carlito taps Masters and nods toward the bar. They see Benji sitting at the bar looking rather distressed as he's drinking. They approach him and Carlito speaks first.

He smiles and asks, "Hey man, what are YOU doing here?"

Benji sighs and says, "It's my momma. Carlito, she wanted to come out here and catch some shows. And she's getting on my last black nerve!"

Carlito and Masters look at each other and then back at Benji.

Masters asks, "Well, how's she getting on your nerves?"

Benji shakes his head, sips his drink and says, "Damn…where do I begin? Alright, first, she had me wheel her up this steep hill after our car broke down. THEN she had me running to and from the grocery store—which is, like a mile away from the hotel—to pick her up some potato chips and soda, because SHE kept changing her mind about what kind she wanted. Finally, just a few minutes ago, she tried to take a bath and ended up getting stuck in the bathtub! She was yelling out my name, I show up and ask her 'what's wrong?'—you following this?"

Carlito and Masters nod, trying to keep from bursting out in a fit of laughter.

Benji continues, "Ok, well she tells me that she's stuck in the bathtub and I told her, 'See, I TOLD you that you shouldn't try that, the tubs here are the same size as the ones we have at home!' But did she listen? NO! So I have to go in the bathroom and try to pull her out of the tub."

Carlito almost laughs, but Masters' eyes are starting to well up with tears.

Benji goes on, "Yeah, so she reaches out to me and I have to put my foot up against the tub for leverage. Well, after about 10 minutes of pulling, I start to hear a loud 'sucking' noise and that's when I realize that she's almost freed. I pull a little harder and finally get her up on her feet. Now, the worst part was seeing her in all her…glory."

Masters turns around, trying to mask his incessant snickering, as he just can't fight it anymore. Carlito closes his eyes tightly and purses his lips, still trying to resist laughing at Shelton's misfortune.

Benji continues, "Guy's I HAD to come down here and get a drink. I mean, seeing mama…NAKED traumatized the shit outta' me! I mean, I didn't look long, but when I was trying to pull her out of that bathtub, all I could see was…loose, jiggly skin…I-It looked like…cold GRAVY, man! UGH!"

Shelton closes his eyes tightly and shudders as Carlito and Masters snicker a little.

Carlito recovers enough and says, "Eh man, I-It'll be alright, I understand that seeing your mami naked is…gross."

Shelton just hangs his head as Carlito and Masters walk away quickly, only to break out in a fit of laughter in the lobby.

* * *

(Ok, let's leave that weird scene and go to another one, with Kurt and Jerry!)

Kurt is in his and Jerry's hotel room watching television. Jerry saunters into the room with a dejected look on his face.

Kurt asks, "What's wrong?"

Jerry somberly replies, "Well, I broke even." He sighs and continues, "Well, a couple minutes after you left, I went on this HUGE losing streak. That Tawni chick that was with me left me for some old guy that was winning at another table. Damn slut…"

Kurt nods and says, "Well, at least you broke even. Hell, so what if that chick left. You didn't lose any money and we can complete this…mission that we're on."

Jerry nods, sighs, and says, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey Kurt, here's something—"

Kurt looks over to Jerry and asks, "What's something?"

Jerry asks, "Hey, have you ever caught, uh…what's his name? Oh yeah—have you ever caught Shane Helms trying to peek into the women's locker room?"

Kurt raises an eyebrow and asks, "What? You mean he's STILL doing that?"

Jerry nods and says, "Yeah, It looks that way. Just last week, I caught him trying to drill a peephole through the wall of the women's shower."

Kurt smiles a little and asks, "Well, how'd that come about?"

Jerry continues, "Well, I was getting a drink of water and I heard a faint 'buzzing' noise. Well, me being the curious nature, I decided to investigate. As I got closer to the room behind the women's changing area, the noise was getting louder. So I quietly peer around the corner and see ol' Helms hard at work, just drilling!"

Kurt laughs a little and points out, "You remember that time when he carried his cellphone to that one hotel party they had in Indianapolis?"

Lawler laughs aloud and says, "Yeah, I remember that! His phone had one of those cameras built into it. He went and sat on a couch across from Molly and Lita caught him trying to focus that camera in between Molly's legs!"

They both break out in a fit of laughter. Kurt continues, "Yeah, Orton told me that the girls played 'keep away' with Helms' phone and then they told Molly what he was trying to do and she—hahahaaa—she dropped his phone out the window and it shattered into a thousand pieces!"

Kurt laughs and says, "Oh, have you heard what he's been up to now? Yeah, he's been trying to convince Lillian Garcia—our ring announcer, and therefore not an athlete—to start showering in the women's locker room! He's going around telling her that 'it'll save her money on her water bill', do you believe that?"

King and Kurt share a good laugh at the expense of Shane's, erm…habit.

* * *

(So, we'll leave those two and join up with Booker, D-Lo, and Sharmell—who are all gathered in Booker and Sharmell's suite.)

Booker frowns and says, "Ok, ok, ok…I 'git 'dat, but why 'dat dealer hafta' ax me ta' leave like 'dat? 'Dat wuddn't even right, yo!"

Sharmell, trying to calm her husband, says, "Book listen, It's ok. We're not here to gamble, anyway. I mean, you walked away with 4000 dollars, and you had fun…that is, until that…incident."

Booker fires back, "Yeah, 'dat gay ass sucka' Rico—he be comin' up to 'da Bookerman and he be feelin' on my booty, yo! 'Dat whole table wuh all like 'WOOO', as if me an' him had some'fin goin' down like 'dat! All I was tryin' ta' do wuz keep him off me!"

Sharmell nods and says, "Yes, but you didn't have to kick the poor guy in the stomach and axe-kick him into the craps table."

D-Lo just bursts out laughing. He says, "Yo man, I'm sorry for laughing, but that shit WAS funny! You shoulda' seen when they picked Rico up off of the floor, he spit out like four chips—yo man, er'body was laughin'!"

Booker smiles a little and says, "Yeah, 'dat shit WAS funny, dude!"

Sharmell laughs a little and says, "Ok Book, you hop in the shower and I'll be along shortly."

Booker and Sharmell kiss and D-Lo gets up to leave.

Sharmell says, "Boys, check this out—how about we all meet in the lobby at, say…6? That ok?"

Booker and D-Lo look at each other and nod. D-Lo leaves and Sharmell and Booker go on about their business.

* * *

(Now, we'll join up with John Cena, who's still dejected after getting gonged and booed off stage. He's still sitting at the bar.)

The bartender approaches Cena and asks, "Eh, another round, man?"

Cena nods and says, "Yeah, lemme' have another one, and trust me, I ain't got no gun."

The bartender gives Cena a strange look and walks away shaking his head.

Cena mumbles to himself, "Damn people, they can't boo me like that, I make my car run till' the tires turn flat."

Someone then sits beside him. Cena glances over and does a double-take at who has just shown up.

Cena and the guy look at each other, dumbfounded. Cena points at the guy and asks, "Hey, don't I know you? I got my Chinese dish made with tofu."

The guy speaks up, slurring his speech, "Uh…yeah, I'm Billy Khidmannn…I jusht th-thought I'd get away from my pain in the assh wife!"

Cena nods saying, "Yeah I KNEW I knew you! Did you know my favorite color's blue?"

A very drunken Billy Kidman replies, "I jussht need to get away from that louszhy shkank, Torrie! She makesh me do a-all kindsh of embarrasshing thingsh like she-she goesh around telling pe-people that-that I work as a high shchool jan-janitor."

John shakes his head, saying, "Aw man, sorry t'hear that, dawg."

While annoyingly tapping Cena on the shoulder, Kidman continues, "Yeah…you know them rotten bashtards locked me in the janitor'sh closhet and-and-and they're alwayshh taking my keysh and hiding 'em. Oh, did I menshin' My shlut of a wife shlep with one um…thoshe bashtards? John, if you have a heart, please shoot me."

John waves Kidman's hand from his shoulder as Kidman just breaks down crying in a drunken heap. John thinks aloud to himself, "You know, I don't have it that bad after all, this'll just renew my determination to become the world's greatest rapper! My lights go on and off because of the clapper!"

He looks at the pathetic specimen sitting beside of him drunkenly bawling his eyes out and mumbles to himself quietly, "That's it, I'm gonna' show the world, and I'm gonna' pick up the rock I just hurled!"

John clenches his fists and heads up to his room.

* * *

So, well end this'n here. So, when will Shane Helms ever realize his dream of seeing all the divas naked? (Heh, move up further in the company, gain a little power, and that little problem will take care of itself, bub.) Will Cena really ever realize his dream of becoming the world's greatest rapper? (…I'm sure.) Well, tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel! 


	9. Chapter 9

(Hello again, you ARE still reading this story, huh? Well, good for you. Why? Because last time we left off, a drunken Billy Kidman was spilling his guts out to John Cena and a traumatized Shelton Benjamin was drinking heavily after having to pull his mama out of that bathtub after she'd gotten herself stuck. Now, however, we'll join Kurt and King in their hotel suite.)

King turns to Kurt and asks, "Hey man, how'd we end up sharing a room, anyway?"

Kurt shrugs and says, "Well, that lady at the front desk said that we'd have to share because there aren't any vacancies due to some convention that's being held here."

King nods as Kurt changes the channel on the television.

King asks, "Hey Kurt, have you tried to find this..this 'liquor and wing' outlet?"

Kurt nods and says, "Yeah, I tried, but I can't seem to locate it anywhere. I tried asking the front desk, but they never even heard of the place. I tried the phone book, and no success there. Finally, I tried the internet over in the business center downstairs and couldn't find it there, either. I'm all out of ideas."

King furrows his brow and strokes his chin. He says, "Hmm…what do you think about this? How about we go to the trailer court I told you about earlier, get the hooker first, then maybe try to get her to maybe direct us to the right place?"

Kurt thinks for a second and suggests, "Well, how about we just ask the police? I mean, think about it—we ask the police FIRST, THEN we get the hooker—after all, your Olympic hero is NOT getting arrested out here! Oh, it's true!"

King nods approvingly and says, "You know, you're right, Kurt. We'll go to the cops in the morning and ask them where this place is. I'd ask tonight, but I'm beat."

As the King was on his way to the bathroom to change, a commercial comes on. The commercial grabs Kurt's attention.

Kurt, staring wide-eyed at the screen, says, "Hey King, look at this!"

The commercial is an advertisement for…um, something. On the screen appears Mike Rotunda, in his old IRS wrestling…uniform.

He says, "Are you tired of being poor, you miserable tax cheats? Are you tired of reaching in your pocket and only feeling your leg? If you are, then join me in becoming rich! If you send me 500 dollars, I'll send you a tape or a DVD that'll tell you how to become a professional rich person. The number's at the bottom of the screen, call 888-555-RICH. That's 888-555-RICH, and then, you too can be rich…like me!"

Just as he finishes, the camera continues to roll. Oblivious to the cameras rolling, voices can be heard on the set. One voice says, "Ok Charlie, that's a wrap. Let's get that car back to that rental place! You, you over there, get that guy out of here!"

King and Kurt glance at each other and then back at the travesty of a commercial that seemingly won't end.

Yep, the camera's still rolling and IRS' voice, although faint, can still be heard as he must be standing close to a microphone. He says, "Hey, whadd'ya mean you don't wanna' give me all of it? This thing I'm selling is supposed to be my comeback! I feel sorry for the poor suckers who'll buy this thing, but—Hey wait! The deal was you were supposed to pay me 30 dollars after this thing was over! I need my cable turned back on, dammit! Hey! Come back here! You can't run from me!"

Two running pairs of feet could be heard tapping the floor as Kurt and King watch in disbelief.

Kurt points to the screen and looks at King, saying, "Do you believe that?"

King smirks, saying, "And here I thought he was doing so well."

Kurt and King just shrug and go on to change and get a night's rest.

* * *

(We'll leave that scene and join up with John Cena and Kane.)

John plops down on a chair and pulls it up to the television. Kane is laying on his bed reading a book.

John says, "Yo Kane, I had this revelation downstairs. I gotta' go to the market and eat some pears."

Kane nods and asks, "Well, what revelation did you have?"

John says, "Yeah, check it, yo. I ran into that Billy Kidman dude and he was all fucked up! He was tellin' me about how miserable his life was and-and how Torrie's always raggin' on him."

Kane nods as Cena continues, "Yeah, and that's when I realized that I don't have it that bad, yo. Because I always clean my toilet with Tidy-Bowl!"

Kane snickers a little to himself and asks, "Well, what bought you down to begin with?"

Cena nods and says, "Yo, I…I got booed offstage at the talent contest they was havin' downstairs, yo. And you gotta' water plants to make 'em grow."

Kane laughs a little and says, "See that? I've been trying to tell you…"

Cena cuts him off, saying, "Nah, just save that, man. 'Cause I've been trying to fry my fish in a pan!"

Kane shakes his head as he continues reading. He finally says, "Cena?"

"Yo, what's up?"

"Go to sleep."

Cena waves him off, saying, "Man…please."

* * *

(Ok now let's meet up with Carlito and Masters…well, Carlito, more specifically. And, from the looks of things, he's ordered some porn—charging it to room service, knowing he has no way to pay for it.)

Carlito's staring at the tv set, licking his lips as sounds of feigned pleasure emanate from the speakers.

Carlito lustily mumbles to himself, "Damn, Carlito would totally stick and stir that! It'd be cool."

Just then, the woman on the screen starts pleasuring herself with a sex toy. Carlito watches in awe and lust. That's when an idea hits him.

Carlito jumps up out of bed and frantically rummages through his duffel bag. He searches for a few moments and smiles.

He excitedly says to himself, "Ah-ha! Found it!"

He locks the door and checks the knob to see if it's locked…"Ok, it's locked."

He grabs an apple from out of his duffel, giggles to himself devilishly, and makes a bee-line for the bathroom. In the bathroom, he takes the knife and carves a hole in the middle of the apple. He removes the core and smiles to himself. He runs back out in front of the tv, which, by the way, still has the porno flick going.

Carlito says to himself, giggling excitedly, "Shit, this is gonna' be cool!"

Carlito's smiling nice and big as he continues to watch the porno. He decides to lay down in the bed and after a few minutes he glances down between his legs. He smiles and says, "Haha, Carlito's…growing interested in this movie, hehe. Now, time to execute…"

Carlito hurriedly removes his wrestling tights and…inserts himself inside the hollowed-out core of the apple. He smiles and says, "Ha! Perfect fit! Now, Carlito's really gonna' enjoy this movie!"

So the movie continues and as another woman is now pleasuring herself on screen, Carlito's doing the same with his apple--off-screen in his hotel room.

Just as Carlito's getting comfortable, there's a knock at the door. Carlito's eyes widen and he scurries to find his wrestling tights. The doorknob twists and it starts to open. Carlito panics, saying, "Oh no, this is not cool! Bad locksmith! Oh no!"

Masters comes in Carlito's room and starts, "Hey Carlito, I was just wonder—"

At this moment, their eyes meet. Carlito has a "deer in the headlights" look on his face, while Masters is standing in the doorway, mouth agape.

Masters laughs and says, "What the FUCK are you doing? Bwahahahaaa!"

Carlito's standing in the middle of his room, one leg inside of his tights, one wrestling boot on, and an apple fitted around his unit.

Carlito glances both ways and mutters out, "Uh…i-it's not what you think…damn."

* * *

(We're gonna' stop this here tonight. I've had enough fun for one chapter.) 


	10. Chapter 10

(Well, here we are again. You're still reading, so I can only assume that you like what you're reading. If you didn't like this, you'd have stopped a long time ago. Anyway, when we left off last, Chris Masters had caught Carlito in a rather…compromising position. Let's rejoin them, shall we?)

Carlito puts on his wrestling tights and says, "Look, I-I know it looks strange."

Masters nods, smiling. He says, "You're damn RIGHT it looks strange! What the hell were you—Oh no, please don't tell me that you were in here…FORNICATING with an apple!"

Carlito awkwardly tries, "Uh…Um, I wasn't fornicating with an apple."

Masters laughs a little and says, "Hey pal, what you do with apples is YOUR business. But, I just wanted to, hahahaaa, I just wanted to ask you what time did you want to meet up in the lobby tomorrow morning?"

Carlito, pulling up his tights over the apple-crotch he now has and still quite embarrassed, says, "Uh, um…6 is cool."

Masters smirks, shaking his head as he leaves the room.

Carlito let's out a long sigh and mumbles to himself, "Damn…Carlito hopes he doesn't tell anyone. Not to mention, I don't know HOW I'm gonna' pay for this room."

At that instant, a bright idea hits him. Carlito smiles wide as he rubs his hands together. He says to himself, "Tonight's your night, Carlito. Hahaha…this is gonna' be cool. Just wait 'till 4, then Carlito will strike!"

So 4 o'clock rolls around and Carlito wakes up, grabs one of his expired credit cards, and tiptoes down the hallway to Masters' room. He leans up against the door and doesn't hear anything so he looks around again before sliding the card up and down the crease of where the lock is. The door clicks open and he whispers excitedly, "Yahtzee!".

The room is dark and Masters is sleeping deeply and snoring loudly. Carlito covers his ears and grimaces, saying to himself, "Carlito wishes he'd keep it down!"

There's just enough moonlight coming through the window for Carlito to see rather well. He spots Masters' vacuum-car keys and picks them up carefully so that the jingling noise won't awaken Chris. He sees Chris' wallet on the nightstand beside his bed. He tiptoes over there, almost tripping over a wrestling boot. Masters sniffles and changes his sleeping position as Carlito watches him carefully.

When Masters doesn't wake up, Carlito sighs in relief. He tiptoes over to the dresser and picks up the wallet and checks inside.

"YES! There's like, 600 bucks in here!", he whispers to himself, before taking the money and leaving the empty wallet.

He looks around and quickly exits the room, closes the door, and hurries back to his room. When he gets back to his room, he quickly packs his duffel and tries, in vain, to get the apple unstuck off of him. He gives up on that and puts his tights back on. He makes a bee-line for the lobby and looks around.

He approaches the front desk as if nothing happened and checks himself out. He goes outside and climbs in Masters' car. He starts it up and drives off toward the nearest strip club.

* * *

(Let's join Booker and company as they've decided to shut down for the night.)

As Sharmell changes, she says, "Book, don't forget what time we're supposed to be meeting up, now."

Booker answers, "Don' worry, baby. Yo mans' got 'dis!"

Sharmell nods and says, "Ok, then."

Booker thinks for a second and begins to ask, "Hey baby, I was jus' thinkin'—"

Booker hears some faint, off-key singing coming from somewhere nearby and it gets his attention. Sharmell asks, "Ok, what were you thinking about?"

Booker furrows his brow, trying to hear where the noise was coming from and says, "Eh, wait up, wait up…You hear 'dat?"

Sharmell tries to listen and starts looking around for the source of the singing. She looks over toward the window, as it's open. She says, "Hey book, I think it's coming from outside."

Booker and Sharmell look out the window and directly below them they find…Rico. Rico's in lavender wrestling tights, playing a ukulele, and singing horribly off-key.

Booker grimaces and yells out, "HEY! PEOPLE TRYIN' TO SLEEP UP IN HERE! MOVE YO' ASS UP OUTTA' HERE BEFO' I COME DOWN THERE!"

Rico continues to sing, "Booker, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray!"

Booker looks at Sharmell and says, "TELL me he did NOT just SING that!"

Sharmell nods and says, "It seems like he DID sing that."

Booker rolls his eyes and says, "Hey, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna pound your a--, um…I mean, I'm gonna come down there and beat you--, no…"

Rico was looking up at Booker and smiling asking, "Well, what are you gonna' doooo! Booker honey?"

Booker turns to Sharmell, who's trying not to laugh. Booker asks, "What's so funny, woman?"

Sharmell giggles and says, "Rico's serenadin' you and-and every time you try to threaten him, your threats sound like something sexual, hahahahaaa!"

Booker looks back out the window and yells out, "FUCK YOU, DUDE!"

Rico yells back, "OOOH…DO YOU MEAN IT? I'VE NEVER HAD A BLACK MAN BEFORE!"

Sharmell can't contain herself anymore and just bursts out laughing as Booker stands there, frustrated. Laughing, she says, "Well, maybe you shouldn't have kicked his ass earlier, HAHAHAHAAAA!"

* * *

(Now, we'll rejoin Carlito, as he's just entered a strip club.)

Carlito looks around and smiles to himself as he takes a bite out of an apple—no, not the one still attached to him, either! He sees a dancer up at the bar with her back turned. He straightens his hair, clears his throat, and approaches her.

He smiles and sits down beside her. She turns around and they recognize each other instantly.

They point at each other and say each others' names simultaneously.

"Carlito Caribbean Cool!"

"Michelle McCool!"

Carlito smiles and says, "What are you doing here? I thought you went back to swimsuit modeling or aerobics, or something?"

Michelle shrugs, saying, "Well, I tried, but it just didn't pan out. It wasn't the same. So, I didn't want to end up working in some embarrassing job somewhere, so I took a chance and found my way here."

Carlito smiles and asks, "Well Michelle, Carlito's got a proposition for you. First of all, do you…turn tricks?"

Michelle smiles and says, "Sure, in fact, I was doing it the entire time I was in the WWE. Why?"

Carlito continues, "Well, Mr. McMahon needs a hooker from Reno, among other things."

Michelle thinks and asks, "Hey wait, are you, like, on that beer and porn run he always does?"

Carlito nods and Michelle squeals in delight, "Oh my god! I've ALWAYS wanted to go on one of those, but I never got the chance! Can I come along? It might mean me getting my job back!"

Carlito shrugs and says, "Well…sure, that was Carlito's offer, anyway. Let's go!"

So Carlito and Michelle head out to Masters' car. As they get in, Carlito thinks for a moment and asks, "Um…hey, do you know where 'The Liquor and Wing Outlet' is?"

(I'll stop this chapter here, just…because.)

* * *

Hey lemme' ask you, will Booker learn to like Rico's singing if he decides to throw a little "hip-hop flava'" into it? Do you wonder what the other teams are up to? (If you do, TOUGH—Bwaaahahahahaaaa! I've just turned heel, whadd'ya know?) Aaaaanyway, these and other questions will be answered when you tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior station, same warrior channel! 


	11. Chapter 11

(Ok, last we left, Carlito picked up a hooker that was in Reno, and they were on their way to find the "liquor and wing outlet". However, we're going to join up with Mr. McMahon in his hotel room in Seattle.)

We join Vince, who's in the bathroom taking a shit and reading the latest edition of "Huge Jugs"—his favorite periodical. He's grunting to himself as he's reading.

While looking intently at the magazine, he says to himself, "Oh my, oh…my. Aren't you just the sexiest thing?" He kisses the picture and says, "Mmmm…you like it when daddy kisses you, don't you?"

As he's busy doing this, his cellphone rings. He reaches in his pants pocket and clicks the phone on.

He clears his throat and says, "Erm…hello?"

The voice on the other end is that of his wife, Linda. Linda answers, "Hi Vince."

Vince says, "Oh, Linda. Is everything ok?"

Linda replies, "Well, yeah. I was just calling to see what you were up to, and to ask you when you'll be home."

Vince answers, "Well, I'm, uh…reading, and I should be home in about three days."

Linda repeats, "Three days?"

"Yes Linda, three days."

"Well, I was going to go to the store to get my Depends, because I need to stock up. But, since you'll be home in a few days, I remembered I still have one box left, so…"

"So what?"

"Well Vince, so I'm asking you to pick me up some Depends on your way back home."

Vince frowns and whines, "Aww, c'mon Linda—"

Linda interrupts, "Don't 'Aww c'mon Linda' ME! You know I need those things! Anyway, I'd like the extra large kind, and they'd better be—"

Vince angrily interrupts, "No Linda! Not this time! I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! You know what? I've been meaning to have this conversation with you for some time now!"

There's silence on the other end as Vince continues, "Yeah, that's right! Linda, I'm sick and tired of waking up in the middle of the night because I realized that I just rolled over in a puddle of your…piss!"

Linda fires back, "I TOLD you that I've been having bladder control problems! How can you be so insensitive?"

Vince retorts, "Yeah, but there are medicines out there to control that shit! Linda, do you have any idea…any idea at ALL of what cold piss feels like? Huh? Do you? I didn't THINK so!"

Linda says, "Well look, JACK! I've been trying to get better with that!"

Vince angrily says, while straining, "B…B…B-uuullsh-it! Ugh!"

There's a loud "plopping" sound as Vince continues, "Yeah—oh, and another thing, how the hell do you expect me to get aroused by you when you can't even wear a matching set of underwear?"

Linda asks, "What? What the fuck are you talking about?"

Vince angrily spits out, "Oh come on, Linda! You know exactly what I'm talking about! You'd come to bed all horny and wearing a lacy bra with-with those damn adult diapers you like wearing!"

Linda fires back, "That's not always true—"

Vince interrupts, "Yes, you're right, how foolish of me to forget—there was just that time last week where you came to bed with…dingy white panties and a bra that was brown—not just brown, but SHIT brown—now what the hell is that?"

Linda says, "You know, you're the most unromantic, unappreciative man I've ever come across."

"Don't bullshit me, Linda! Now get this right, I'm coming home in three days, I'm not getting any food for Stephanie, I'm not getting any new bed linen, and I'm not getting any diapers! I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! And you're just—"

Linda hangs up in Vince's ear. Vince, still intense, yells, "Hello? Hello?"

He looks at the phone and clicks his end off. He picks up his magazine and says, "Well, at least none of you girls can talk back to me! I'm Vi-iiince McMahon…dammit."

A loud fart—yes, the "machine gunner" type, in case you were wondering—then a final "plopping" noise can be heard as we move on.

* * *

(We'll join up with King and Kurt, as they've awakened and are on their way to the police station.)

King asks, "Hey, do you really think the cops will know where this place is?"

Kurt replies, "Of course, they're the cops."

King spots a police squad car, "Hey, there goes some cops, let's pull over and ask them."

Kurt pulls the van over and walks over to the squad car, where two Reno officers are inside.

Kurt knocks on the window and the driving officer rolls the window down. He asks Kurt, "Hello, can I help you?"

Kurt says, "Uh yes officer, me and my partner are trying to find this store called 'The Liquor and Wing Outlet'. We were wondering if you can help us to locate it, please?"

The officer turns and faces his partner--a busty, blonde-haired female, and asks, "Hey Clemmy, isn't that the place behind that one trailer court just outside of town?"

Clemmy responds, "Uh yeah, that's just around the corner from, uh, Andrew's place."

The first officer gives Kurt the directions and he thanks the officers, "Wow, thanks guys! I really appreciate this."

Kurt extends his hand to shake hands with the officers, the first officer says, "No problem—oh, and by the way, I'm Lieutenant Jim Dangle and this is deputy Clementine Johnson."

Kurt smiles and replies, "Wow, nice to meet you, I'm Kurt Angle, Olympic gold medalist and former WWE heavyweight champ!"

Dangle says, "Hey, I thought I recognized you from somewhere! I've seen you wrestle and you're pretty good!"

"Hey thanks, guys! It was a pleasure meeting you, take care!"

Kurt walks away, gets in the van and drives off.

Dangle turns to Clemmy and says, "That man is-is…a-a lovely man. I loved his tights, did you see his tights?"

Clemmy calmly says, "Keep it in your pants, Dangle. I think he's straight."

Dangle blinks a few times and says, "He didn't actually…SAY that, did he?"

Clemmy hesitates and says, "Well…no, he didn't but—"

Dangle calmly interrupts and says, "Well ok then, he—"

"But Dangle, he was kinda'…y'know, glancing at my cleavage."

Dangle closes his eyes and quietly says, "Who's the commanding officer here?"

Clemmy nods and gestures toward Dangle. Dangle says, "Ok then, I say he's a-a…hot piece of manhood and you are to—"

"Are to what?"

"Uh…accept it—because I'm the commanding officer."

"Ugh…whatever Dangle, geez."

* * *

(Ok, let's leave that scene and join up with Chris Masters, who's just discovered that his money's missing.)

Masters angrily says to himself, "What the--? Where's my money? Where are my car keys?"

He thinks for a moment and goes over to knock on Carlito's door.

"Hey Carlito, open up!" No answer. He knocks again--this time, a lot harder. "HEY CARLITO, GET UP! MY SHIT'S MISSING, MAN!"

He remembers that Carlito's door lock doesn't work too well and he lets himself in the room. He begins, "Hey Carlito, where…the FUCK did you go?"

Masters searches the room for any sign of Carlito and doesn't find anything. He sits down and thinks to himself. After a few minutes, he gets up and packs his stuff and heads out of the building to where he parked his car.

He gets outside and walks over to where his car was and sees an empty space. He exclaims, "What the fuck happened to my goddamn car?"

He sits his bag down and thinks a little bit more about what happened to his keys, his money, and his car. That's when it hits him…

"Shit…that wacky-haired motherfucker stole my shit! I'm gonna' kill his ass when I see him. Dammit…NOW how am I gonna' get out of here?"

* * *

(So, we'll leave Chris to ponder that one and join up with Cena and Kane, who've hit the open road in search of the liquor and wing outlet, as well as a hooker. Kane encountered a pimp the other night at the casino and the pimp tipped him off about a brothel called the "Ridin' Ranch".)

Cena asks, "So, are you sure you know where this place is? When I eat crackers, I like to spread 'em with Cheese-Whiz!"

Kane nods and says, "Yeah, we got a little ways to go, though."

Cena says, "Yo, how do you know we're gonna' find a suitable hooker? I cracked open an egg and out popped the Gobbeldy Gooker!"

Kane shrugs and says, "Don't worry…we'll find one. Hey, I'll tell you what—according to that pimp I spoke to the other night, there's supposed to be a brothel around here called the 'Ridin' Ranch'. So slow down a little—oh THERE it is!"

Cena wheels his vehicle in the parking lot of the building. They go inside and a lineup is presented to them. But there's a problem with the women…

Kane whispers to John, "Hey, all these women have something wrong with them. That one has a wooden leg, that one over there has a-a glass eye, that one's a one-legged midget, and that one over there has everything, but she looks starved and…she keeps fidgeting and scratching herself."

He and John look at each other and shrug. Kane explains the situation to the head mistress and she allows one of her girls to ride back to Seattle with our two superstars.

Kane says, "Yeah, we'll take her!"

Kane and John choose a slightly emaciated one with enormous breasts who's fidgeting and scratching. She walks over and says with a southern drawl, "Hey, thename'sBubbles, arewegonna'fuckorwhat? Where'smymoney?"

Kane says, "WOW…you talk pretty damn fast. But hold on, you'll get your money—plenty of it, I promise you that, just come along with us and all will be fine."

So the three of them leave and drive off toward the liquor and wing outlet.

* * *

(I'm going to end this here this time. Don't forget to tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel! Oh yeah, if you watch a show called _Reno 911_, you'll have an easier time understanding Kurt and Lawler's segment.) 


	12. Chapter 12

(Ok, last we left off, Kane and Cena had just picked up a hooker from a brothel. Now, since it's been a while, we'll check in on Booker and company, as they've just picked up their hooker form off the street and are on their way to finding the "Liquor and Wing Outlet".)

Sharmell asks the hooker, "So, do you know where this place is?"

The hooker, smacking her gum, says, "Um…yeah, it's up a few blocks, I think."

Booker looks at the girl and says, "You know, you DO look familia' yo. It be like I done be seein' you somewhere, sucka!"

The hooker furrows her brow and looks at D-Lo. D-Lo sighs and says, "He said that he recognizes you from somewhere."

The hooker nods and says, "Meh…I can understand that. I, uh…I get that all the time…hehe."

Booker, Sharmell, and D-Lo all look at each other and then back at the slightly nervous-looking hooker.

Sharmell squints at the hooker a little bit and says, "You know, Book's right, you DO look familiar. Where do I know you from?"

The hooker glances downward and says, "Ok already…I'll tell you." She sighs and continues, "Well, you've prolly seen me, I used to work for, uh—"

Booker's eyes widen and he points at her, cutting her off, "OOOH, now Booker be knowin' where he be seein' you at, he be seein you in da' ECW, y'all!"

D-Lo smirks and says, "YEAH! I remember you, wasn't you, um, um, um, Sandman's wife?"

She lowers her head and nods, saying, "EX-wife…yeah, I'm Lori Fullington, ok? Are you happy?"

Sharmell furrows her brow, saying, "Well damn, we was only tryin' to figure out where we knew you from."

Lori says, "Ok, I-I'm sorry, it's just that I've just been under a lot of stress over these past few years."

Booker asks, "Well, what you be meanin'?"

Lori raises an eyebrow and looks at D-Lo. D-Lo says, "What do you mean?"

Lori nods, saying, "Oh. Well, what I mean is that my son, Tyler is locked up. He robbed a 7-11 and knocked up two women and refuses to pay any child support. A couple years ago, my trailer was stolen. I was staying over my one boyfriend's house one night and when I came back home, I found out that someone drove off with my fucking trailer! I tried going to the police, but one of them recognized me and hit me over the head with a kendo stick for 'old times' sake' and they laughed me out of the station! I had nowhere to live, no job—even fucking McDonald's turned me down! The kid that interviewed me couldn't have been older than 17! And HE was looking at my chest the whole damn time!"

Sharmell says, "Damn, you had it rough. So what led you to become…this?"

Lori rolls her eyes and says, "Well, it was my last fucking hope! I was in this bar, drunk out of my mind. I don't remember much, but I do, however, remember talking to this guy who bought me a few more drinks and offered to take me home if I gave him some head in the alley behind the bar."

The other three just glance at each other and then back at Lori.

She continues, "Yeah, so I did…that, and then he walked me to his car. When we were riding, I must've blacked out because when I woke up, I was in my underwear in the doorway of an abandoned building. So, I dug around in a few dumpsters in the next alley and found some clothes. I was soooo hungry and I realized the guy fucking robbed me, because I couldn't find my purse and nothin' else I had, so…I started thinkin' and…well, to make a long story short, I ended up offering my services to men who have the money, after all, I needed to eat."

D-Lo shakes his head and asks, "And…this makes you happy?"

Lori smiles and says, "At first it didn't. But it soon…well, it grew on me. Anyway, it's sure as hell better than working at some fast-food joint somewhere. Besides, I get two things I like—money and sex."

She licks her fingers saucily as they drive on toward the "liquor and wing outlet".

* * *

(Ok, we'll leave them alone for a bit and join up with Kane and Cena, who are also on their way to the…outlet.)

Kane asks Bubbles, "Uh, 'Bubbles', is it? Yeah, uh, now which way is it to this place again?"

Bubbles brushes her hair back and says with a southern drawl, "Uh, upthisroadandthenyouhangaleft, Ithink."

Cena nods and says, "Oh a'ight, cool. So we are goin' the right way. And I have to pray just to make it today!"

Kane and Bubbles look at each other and shrug.

Cena asks Bubbles, "Uh…you sure do talk fast. In the summer, I like to go play in the grass!"

Bubbles closes her eyes and says, "Yeah, youknowthatthere'snootherrealwaytocommunicateexceptfortalkin'."

Kane looks over at Cena, who's driving and whispers, "Hey, you know, this chick's voice reminds me of someone I…used to know."

Cena nods and whispers back, "Yeah, dawg, I was thinking the same thing. And I won't let you fall if you just give me the ring!"

Kane does a double-take at Cena, who just smiles back. Kane rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

Kane asks, "Hey, uh…Bubbles?"

"YaysKane?"

"Uh…right, uh, don't I know you from somewhere? I mean, your voice sounds…familiar."

Bubbles smiles suspiciously wide and replies, "Noitdoesn't, itcan'tthat'simpossibleKane!"

Kane nods, pointing at her. He says, "Yes it does. In fact…"

Kane looks carefully at Bubbles' eyes and says, "A-HA! I knew it! I fucking KNEW it! Hey John, take a look at this!"

John pulls over and looks, he says, "Daaamn…you're Debra, aren't you?"

Kane smirks, nods, and says, "Yeah, I'd recognize those bruises anywhere. So, who's been hittin' you this time, huh?"

Debra takes off her wig, shrugs, and says, "Wail, Iwasjustmindin'myownbusinesswhenStevecamebythebrothelandrequestedtobewithme.IcouldtellhewasalittledrunkcauseIsmelledalcoholonhisbreath.Wail, Wewalkbacktotheroomandhejuststartsslappingme.ThesecuritycameinandhegaveallofthemtheStoneColdStunnerandranout."

Kane and Cena just look at each other with confused expressions on their faces. Kane glances both ways and says, "I…understand?"

* * *

(Ok, let's leave those three and join up with Chris Masters, who's out on the highway, thumbing for a ride.)

Chris mumbles to himself, saying, "Wait'll I get my hands on that…no good, fruit-molesting bastard! Boy, if someone would just pick me up and take me to Seattle…"

(A familiar-looking car slows down a few feet up the road as it approaches Masters. Masters almost immediately recognizes the car. But, the folks within said car recognize Chris…)

King says, "Hey Kurt, look who it is!"

Kurt smirks and says, "Hey, quick, you got any water sitting around here?"

King says, "Well yeah, why?"

Kurt smiles and says, "Juuuust leave it to me, haha!"

Kurt reaches in the back seat beside his and Jerry's hooker and pulls out a plastic bucket with gloves inside of it. He throws the gloves out of the bucket and reaches over behind Lawler to get the water container.

Jerry asks, "What are you doing?"

Kurt empties the water in the bucket and he says, "Ok, pull up toward him. I got somethin' to say to this punk."

King shrugs and pulls up toward Masters.

Kurt gets out of the car, bucket in hand. Masters smiles and says, "Kurt, boy I'm glad to see you! Hey no hard feelings about that sneak-attack last weekend, right…buddy?"

Kurt smiles and nods, asking, "No, none at all--hey, so I see that you're on your way to Seattle? So I presume you need a lift?"

Masters says, "Yeah, you're damn right I need one! That apple-eating freak took my car—hey, what's with the bucket?"

Kurt, still smiling, says, "Ah, just have to empty out some water, s'all."

Kurt pours the water out on the side of the road, by the ditch Masters was standing in. Kurt quickly gets in the car and says, "Quick, lock the doors! Drive, drive, drive!"

Masters tries the door handle and it's locked, he points to the handle and Jerry zooms off, splashing water all over Masters in the process.

Masters exclaims, "AAAGH! SON OF A BITCH!!"

Lawler, Kurt and their hooker all speed away laughing as a drenched Chris Masters stands on the side of the highway fuming and trying to shake the water off.

Masters shakes his fist, saying, "YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!"

* * *

(So, I'll end this here because I'm sleepy. But don't forget to tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel!) 


	13. Chapter 13

(Welcome back! When we last left off, Jerry and Kurt had an encounter with Chris Masters, the hookers revealed their true selves to the superstars, and fascinating stories abounded. However, we're going to rejoin our superstars as they've just found the "Liquor and Wing Outlet Near the Trailer Park".)

Kane, approaching the door to this place, looks around the parking lot and sees Kurt and Lawler just pulling in. He says, "Shit, here come Kurt and Jerry in that damn girl scout van! John, we gotta' hurry!"

Cena nods and says, "Alright yo, you get the liquor and I'll get the wings. Debra, you stay in the car and keep it running. I like my Cheerios with milk and honey!"

Debra gets back in the car and starts it up as the guys head into the store.

* * *

(Meanwhile, Kurt and Jerry have parked and are making a bee-line for the store.)

Jerry says, "Hey Kurt, you stay in the van and keep an eye on that hooker chick, I'll run in here and get the stuff!"

Kurt shrugs and heads back to the van. As he's heading back, he sees Carlito and his hooker running out of the store as if they stole something.

Kurt puts his hands on his hips and says, "Aw, I don't believe this! Look at those two—wait…is that—is that Michelle? Yeah, it IS Michelle! Damn, Jerry better hurry up!"

He sighs and climbs into the van as Carlito and Michelle zoom out of the parking lot.

* * *

(At that moment, Booker and company have just pulled into the parking lot.)

D-Lo points backward and asks, "Hey, wasn't that Carlito?"

Booker nods and says, "Yeah man, 'dat be bein' him. We be's needin' t'git 'dat shit an' hur'up!"

Sharmell looks around the parking lot and sees that the other contestants have beat them there. She says, "Ok, here's how it's goin' down—Book, you get the wings, D-lo, you get the liquor—it's Beefeater, remember?"

D-Lo nods and he and Booker T run up to the store and go inside.

* * *

(Inside the store, there are two separate lines, one for wings, the other for liquor. We'll join Kane, as he's in the liquor line behind an elderly woman.)

Kane, eyeballing the wing line, sees Jerry Lawler already with his liquor and he's second in line at the wing counter. Kane mumbles to himself, "C'mooon, line, move!"

The elderly lady in front of him advances up a space and it's her turn to order. She asks for a bottle of Maker's Mark from behind the counter. The clerk gets the bottle, tells her the total of 8 dollars and 74 cents, and she slowly and shakily gets out her change purse.

Kane sees this and a distressed look grows on his face as he sees Jerry Lawler running out of the store. The lady counts her bills one at a time, "Ok, here's one…here's two…here's three…"

Kane's leaning over this lady's shoulder and he's already mentally counted that she has 8 dollars in her hand.

The lady's still counting as Kane's growing impatient, "…five…oh, and there's siiiix…uh, seven…"

Kane interrupts, "Look lady, you have 8 bucks! Ok? You have 8 bucks!"

The old lady turns around and says, "Oh…am…I…"

Kane rolls his eyes and interrupts again, "No, you're not holding me up!"

The old lady continues her sentence, "…holding…"

"NO, you're NOT holding me up!"

"…you…"

"Please, could you just check out already?"

"…up…"

"NO, for the last time, you're not! OK?"

"…sonny?"

Kane's at his wits' end right now as John Cena yells over, "Yo Kane, I'll be out in 'da car! Gimme' a break, gimme' a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar!"

John scurries out of the store as Kane's stuck in line behind a very apologetic old lady.

So the lady finally finishes apologizing and gives the cashier her 8 dollars. The cashier says, "Oh, I'm sorry, but your total was 8 dollars and 74 cents—I have to get the 74 cents."

The old lady smiles a little and says, "Oh…I'm…sorry. Let…me…get…that…for…you."

She's digging around in her change purse and dumps out a mixture of nickels and pennies. Kane sees this and exclaims, "NO, you can't POSSIBLY only have nickels and pennies! I mean, c'mon!"

The lady starts counting, "Ok…here's a nickel…here's another nickel…here's a penny…here's another nickel…"

Kane throws his mask on the floor in frustration as we close this chapter early this time.

* * *

Don't forget to tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel! 


	14. Chapter 14

(Hello again…like before. Last we left off, Carlito and his hooker were gone first and Kane was stuck behind an elderly woman counting her change. We'll join Carlito and Michelle as they're getting ready to eat.)

Carlito says, "Eh Michelle, uh…you wanna' get something to eat?"

Michelle nods, saying, "Yeah, now that you mention it, I am kinda' hungry."

Carlito buzzes past a food and lodging sign indicating a diner just off of the next exit.

Carlito says, "Hey, there's a restaurant up at this next exit, Carlito wants to stop there."

Michelle shrugs and says, "Hey, It's your party, guy."

So Carlito takes the exit and heads to the diner. He and Michelle get out of the car and he says, "Hmm…this place is called 'The Snow Den'. I wonder why…"

Michelle shrugs and they both head into the restaurant. Michelle tells Carlito her order and she goes and finds a table, while Carlito goes up to the counter to order--except, there's no one at the counter.

Carlito pounds the counter and asks, "Hello, is…is anyone there?"

A voice from the back yells back, "Yeah, uh, just a minute!"

A moment later, the guy emerges…

Carlito's eyes widen and he says, "Hey! I know you! You're Al Snow!"

Al nods and says, "Yeah, me and Head decided to open up this place a couple years back. So what brings you my way?"

Carlito sighs and says, "Well, Vince has us on this wacky trip to—"

Al smiles and cuts him off, "The beer and porn run, huh? Hahaha…Vince just never quits, does he?"

Carlito shakes his head and says, "Heh, guess not."

All wipes his hands with a rag and asks, "So, what would you like to order?"

Carlito says, "Well, my guest over there would like whatever today's special is and I'd like a ham sandwich…with cheese."

Al nods and says, "Ok, well today's special is a new recipe called 'pee soup'."

Carlito nods and asks, "Why isn't the special written somewhere?"

Al's eyes shift back and forth momentarily and he says, "Um…I-It's because I prefer to tell the customers personally. Yeah, that's the ticket. It's so I can tell 'em personally."

Carlito nods and says, "Ok then. Pea soup, huh? Sounds interesting, she should like it."

Al smirks a little and mumbles to himself, "You have no idea, my friend."

Carlito raises an eyebrow and asks, "Uh, what was that?"

Al raises his eyebrows and says, "Oh, nothing…nothing at all, guy. I'll have your orders out to you in a couple moments."

Al heads to the back to prepare the orders and Carlito takes a seat at the table. A few minutes pass and Al comes out and brings the food out to Carlito's table.

Al smiles and asks, "Well, can I get you two anything else?"

Michelle says, "Uh, no thanks. But I do have one question, though."

"Ok, what's that?"

"Well, why is my pea soup yellow? I thought pea soup was supposed to be green."

Al smiles and says, "Well, it's my own original recipe, try it, you'll like it!"

Michelle smiles and nods as Al heads back behind the grill.

Carlito bites into his ham sandwich and says, "Hmm…this is pretty good, eh?"

Michelle sips her soup and says, "Well, this pea soup is a bit…salty for my taste, but overall, it has an interesting flavor to it."

So, Carlito finishes his sandwich and Michelle gulps down the last few drops of the "pea soup". Michelle heads outside and Carlito goes up to the counter to pay the bill.

Al says, "Ok, that'll be six forty-five."

Carlito gives him the money and asks, "Hey Michelle really liked that soup you fixed for her. If you don't mind, could you tell me the process that you use to make it?"

Al smiles and says, "Well, it was originally Head's idea. I can't give you the exact recipe but…if you look behind the counter, I have a load of empty water bottles that the water contained in them is used for the…filtering process. Yes, every time I make my famous 'Pee soup', there's a 'filtering process' that I like to use. Most times it ends up producing the soup with a slightly salty taste and other times, it doesn't."

Carlito raises an eyebrow and says, "…Interesting. Hey, thanks Al! It's been swell, but I gotta' keep movin'!"

Al says, "Hey thanks for stopping by! Maybe next time, YOU can have some of my famous 'pee soup'?"

Carlito smiles and says, "I think that'd be nice, Al. Hey see you later."

So Calrito quickly exits the restaurant, gets in the vacuum-car and peels out of the parking lot.

* * *

(Damn shame what Al did to Michelle, but…now we'll join up with Booker T and friends!)

Booker smiles wide and says, "Eh yo, baby, we don' did git' 'dat Beefeata' n' wings! We done DID 'dat thang, baby!"

Sharmell smiles and says, "Yeah, we did it baby. Oh, and thank you D-lo!"

D-lo shakes his head and says, "No problem."

Booker smiles and says, "Yeah! 'Dat's right, sucka! We be's doin' 'dis---you wanna' know why we be's up in doin' 'dis?"

Sharmell mutters to Lori, "Oh god, here he goes…"

Booker, smiling wide, continues, "We be doin' 'dis 'cause I be's a 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, duh cee duh CHAMP!"

The other three look at each other and then back at Booker, who's still smiling proudly. D-Lo points to booker and looks at Sharmell, who shakes her head and says, "Naah…let's not tell him this time—I mean, look how happy he is!"

D-Lo and Lori look at each other and just shrug as Booker continues to revel in his success.

* * *

(So, we'll leave them and pay a visit with Kurt and Jerry, who are moving at a pretty fast clip.)

Jerry turns toward the hooker and asks, "So, what made you start turning tricks, anyway? I thought you work for TNA."

The hooker flicks her hair out of her eyes and answers, "Well, truth is, they don't pay me enough in TNA. Besides, after a while you-you just get tired of sucking Jarret's shriveled-up dick after a while, you know?"

Jerry glances at Kurt and says, "Well, no I don't know, but continue anyway, Jackie."

Jackie (Gayda) says, "I mean, they have me in a main event role and even I can't figure that one out—you know, me being talentless and all. I mean, you gotta' do what you gotta' do for some success, right? Right. Some people work their way to the top, some sleep their way to the top, but I prefer to suck my way to the top. I suck both in the ring AND backstage, so it's a double-whammy for me in some respects."

Kurt furrows his brow and asks, "So, basically you started…this job because TNA wasn't paying you enough?"

Jackie nods and replies, "Yep, that and I also got tired of seeing the same small dicks in my face all the time—variety is the spice of life, don't 'cha know?"

Kurt and King just look at each other and shrug.

Jackie smiles a little and asks, "Hey, you know that Abyss dude in my fed?"

Kurt nods and King smirks a little. Jackie continues, "Well, I can tell you how he got his name."

King laughs a little and asks, "Ok how?"

Jackie laughs a little and says, "Well, he likes to let the X-Division wrestlers have anal sex with him after shows!"

Kurt and King look at each other and exclaim, "WHAAAT?"

Jackie nods and says, "That's right, It's sort of like a-a…reverse-Bradshaw deal going on, you know? Well anyway, he got his name because his asshole's been stretched so wide that looking into it is like looking into an abyss—hence, the name. I mean, when he farts, it makes this weird whistling noise—"

Kurt cuts her off, saying, "Uh, okay, okay…I-I think we get the point, Jackie."

Jackie just shrugs as they drive onward.

* * *

(Ok, I'm ending this chapter here. But don't forget to tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel!) 


	15. Chapter 15

(Welcome back! When we left off last, Michelle and Carlito found Al Snow's new diner and Michelle had some "pee soup", Booker T was reveling in the success he and his crew had at the liquor and wing outlet, but now we'll join Kane, Cena, and Debra as they've just hit the open road…)

Kane sighs and says, "John, I'm telling you I was stuck behind this old lady who, first of all, had NO business in a liquor store at her age, and not to mention, that she had the shakes and was EXTREMELY slow! I mean, she even TALKED slow—do you BELIEVE that shit?"

Cena nods and says, "Yeah yo, check it—I was in the grocery store the other week and I got stuck behind this dude who kept tryin' to use his credit card to check out and the thing just kept getting rejected, yo! Here he was, just running and running the card through and the cashier was like 'go ahead, try again'! There was a little boy in line, and he couldn't have been more than 10!"

Kane and Debra look at each other and then back at Cena. Kane furrows his brow and asks, "Ok? So what about the little boy?"

Cena raises an eyebrow and asks, "Yo, what are you talking 'bout? Some people in foreign countries have gout!"

Kane looks at Debra and looks back at Cena. Kane says, "Ok, John you mean to tell me that you really don't remember anything about mentioning a little boy?"

John furrows his brow and shakes his head.

Kane says, "But you said that there was a little boy in line and he couldn't have been older than 10. That's what you said, man."

Cena shakes his head saying, "No I didn't, I don't know what you're saying. Who knows how much this job's paying!"

Kane starts, "But you JUST SAID that—you know what? Nevermind."

Cena shrugs as they continue down the highway.

* * *

(We'll leave them and join up with Chris Masters, who's on the phone at the Reno airport—he had to walk to the airport, it was pretty sad, really…)

Chris pleads, "Aw c'mon mom, I REALLY need this money—I promise I'll pay you back. Just wire the money over to me, I have the Western Union codes already—"

His mom answers and he gets visibly frustrated as he tries to explain, "I-I know mom, just—could you just—"

Chris sighs as his mom replies a little louder. He says, "Yeah, but mom, no one will give me a ride, and I ain't got any money! YES, I know I work for WWE, but he took my friggin' ATM card and they don't have my bank down here!"

There's a pause on the other end and then Chris' Mother speaks again. This time, Chris' face lights up with delight as he excitedly says, "OH THANK YOU, THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH, MA! You know I love you, don't you? Oh, and tell dad I said hi! G'bye mommy!"

Chris hangs up and smirks to himself saying, "Only a matter of time now, Carlito my friend…only a matter of time now!"

* * *

(Ok, now let's see how Kurt and King are faring, shall we? Yep, we shall.)

Kurt says, "Hey King, that sign we just passed said that we're about 20 miles out of Portland! We're almost home free!"

King laughs a little and says, "Yeah, we're almost there, but remember, we saw Carlito leave that parking lot of that store before we even got IN the store."

There are a few moments of silence before Kurt starts laughing a little.

Jerry asks, "What's so funny, man?"

Kurt shakes his head, saying, "Well, I was just thinking about that one dumb chick they have on board doing the interviews."

Jerry asks, "Well, who?"

Kurt smiles and says, "You know, that one skanky chick doing all the backstage interviews?"

Jerry's eyes widen and he says, "OHHHH, you mean, um, um…Maria the microphone skank?"

Kurt says, "BINGO! That's her name!"

Jerry smiles and asks, "Ok, well what about her?"

Kurt smirks and says, "Well get this, she said that she'd like to challenge for the women's title. Do you believe that shit?"

At this, they both start laughing aloud. Jerry calms down a little and says, "Whoo, hahaha…hey Kurt, if that's the case, someone needs to tell her that blowing Shane Helms all the time ain't gonna' get her there!"

Kurt and Jerry laugh even harder than before as they drive on.

* * *

(Ok, last but not least, we rejoin Carlito and Michelle who are just past Portland…)

Michelle furrows her brow and asks, "You know, I've been meaning to ask you…"

Carlito smirks and asks, "Ask me what?"

Michelle points to Carlito's crotch and asks, "Uh, care to explain the big lump?"

Carlito's eyes widen and he gulps hard before saying, "Uh…um, th-that's uh…that's because, uh…" He raises an eyebrow and slyly says, "Well baby, that's because Carlito's hung like a donkey!"

Michelle smirks a little, reaches over and gently pats the lump. She furrows her brow and mentions, "Hm…this is awfully hard. Did you take some Cialis, or something?"

Carlito arrogantly replies, "Naw baby, Carlito's just that strong!"

Michelle squeezes it and notices that Carlito doesn't respond. She squints at him and asks, "Ok, if you're so 'strong', as you put it, then explain why you didn't move when I squeezed it just now."

Carlito looks at the lump and then back at Michelle, who's smiling and has her arms folded, waiting for an answer.

Carlito stammers, mouth agape, "Uh…um, I-I responded."

Michelle rolls her eyes and says, "Hahaha…BUUUULSHIT! Now, are you gonna' explain what happened? I know this HAD to be some kind of accident."

Carlito closes his eyes and swallows hard. He quietly says, "Um, I think we need to talk. You can help me get rid of this, but…le-let's, uh…let's talk about it first. Uh…ahahaha…ha."

* * *

(So we're going to wrap this chapter up here. Don't forget to tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel!) 


	16. Chapter 16

(Hello again, when we last left off, Carlito had to give reasoning to the lump in his trunks. What do you say we rejoin Carlito and Michelle at a rest stop? Yes, let's do that.)

Carlito and Michelle are seated at a picnic table and Michelle smiles and asks, "So, care to explain the lump?"

Carlito sighs and asks, "Why do you want me to explain it? What if I don't want to explain it?"

Michelle raises her eyebrows and says, "Then I have to ask—what if I just go back to Reno?"

Carlito's eyes widen momentarily and he says, "Ok, ok, ok…I'll explain. You see, this is an apple that's…stuck—"

Michelle interrupts, "Stuck?"

"Yes…stuck to my, y'know."

Michelle, feigning ignorance, asks, "Stuck to your what?"

Carlito sighs impatiently, saying in a low tone, "I-It's stuck to my…dick."

Michelle raises an eyebrow and asks, "It's what? I-I didn't hear you."

Carlito glares at Michelle, who's smiling. He says a little louder, "It's stuck to my dick."

Michelle digs in her ears and shakes her head, pointing to her right ear and leaning toward Carlito.

Carlito rolls his eyes, frustrated, and says in an unusually loud tone, "I SAID THAT I HAVE AN APPLE STUCK ON MY DICK AND I CAN'T FUCKING GET IT OFF!"

As he finishes yelling, a hush falls over the rest stop and everyone looks at Carlito as he nervously looks back at everyone.

Michelle has a hand cupped over her mouth as she starts laughing. Everyone returns back to what they were doing and Carlito says, "NOW look what you made me do!"

Michelle laughs and says, "I'm sorry, hahahaha…I'm sorry. So anyway, you mentioned that I could help you get the apple unstuck?"

Carlito, mustering up as much dignity that he had left, nods and says, "Uh, yes that's right."

Michelle laughs a little and says, "Well, what can I do?"

Carlito looks around and spots a giant tree in a relatively secluded spot. That's when an idea hits him. He says, "I got it! See that tree over there? Let's go!"

They head over to the tree and Carlito looks around and doesn't see anyone. He says, "Ok, I'll let my trunks down, and you put your foot on this tree and pull the apple off of me."

Michelle curls her upper lip and asks, "Um…are you sure this is going to work?"

"Are you kidding? Of COURSE it'll work."

Michelle replies, "Um…if you say so…"

Carlito nods and says, "Ok, on the count of three, you pull and I pull away from you. We go one, two, three, THEN pull, ok? Good."

So Michelle positions herself, using the tree for leverage and Carlito counts, "Ok, here we go—one, two, three, PULL!"

Michelle pulls and Carlito yells, "AAAAAAAARRRRGH, AAAAAAGH, STOP, STOP, STOP PULLING, STOP PULLING, AAAAARGH, YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING ME!"

Michelle stops and asks, "Oops, was that too hard?"

Carlito looks down at his now "apple-penis", which is now throbbing with pain.

Michelle strokes her chin and says, "Well…there HAS to be a better way. Hey, I have an idea! How about—"

She seductively approaches Carlito and starts grinding herself against his apple, while gently kissing the side of his neck. This gets Carlito excited very quickly"

Carlito smiles and says, "Oh…you know aaaall the right spots, keep goin'."

Ok, it'd be fair to say that Carlito's "risen to the occasion". Michelle sees this and stops grinding herself against him. She sees an empty water bottle and seductively tells Carlito, "I'll be right back, baby."

She picks up the bottle and runs toward the water fountain. Moments later, she returns and pours the water over Carlito's apple—at the tip.

Carlito asks, "What are you doing? You—"

As the cold water trickles down into the apple, Carlito yelps a little. His shrinkage from the cold water causes the apple to fall off to the ground.

Carlito excitedly says, "Hey, you-you FIXED it! You FIXED it!"

He gives Michelle a big hug and pulls up his tights. He says, "Ok, now we can get going! Let's go!"

So they run back to the Vacuum-car and zoom off.

* * *

(Right now, we'll join Booker and company)

Booker asks, "Hey Sharmell, are we be bein' in 'da lead yo?"

Sharmell shrugs and says, "I don't know, Book."

Booker replies, "I be hopin' we be leadin', a brotha' need to be comin' up in 'da dub dub E!"

Lori asks, "Hey Booker, how'd you get this…car like this?"

Booker replies, "Yeah, it be from my Hungra' Man Dinnuh commercials, yo. 'Dey be givin' 'da Bookerman 'dis ride right'chere, yo. You dig?"

Lori raises an eyebrow and looks at D-Lo. D-Lo sighs and says, "He said that they gave it to him for doing Hungry Man Dinner commercials."

Lori nods and says, "Oh, I see."

Sharmell says, "Hey y'all, we just passed a sign that said Seattle's still 400 miles away yet."

Booker nods and says, "Ey Sharmell, ey' baby, 'da Bookerman be hunga' up in this biznitch, how you say we be gon' git' somefin' to eat?"

Sharmell replies, "Yeah, I'm a li'l hungry my DAMN self. Hey, you all back there hungry?"

D-lo nods and Lori says, "Yeah, let's go get something. I ain't ate since this morning."

Booker says, "Hey baby, let's be gon' git some KFC! It ain't Hungra' Man, but it be doin'! It still be a pound of food 'DIS man gon' luh', yo."

Lori and D-lo glance at each other and D-Lo shrugs.

* * *

(So, we'll leave them to go and get something to eat. And we'll close out with Kane and Cena, who are approaching Seattle, as well.)

Cena proudly says, "Yo man, that sign I just passed said that Seattle's like 300 miles away still. My girl don't get pregnant because she's on the pill!"

Kane nods and says, "Yep, looks like we're on our way. But, one thing makes me sorta' nervous—we haven't seen anyone else since that wing shop down in Reno. After all, we WERE the last ones out."

Debra speaks up, "Wail, Kaneitain'tgonna'beetoobad. Ithinkwe'llcatch'emsomehow."

Kane sighs and says, "I sure hope so. I'd hate to have had to make this trip for nothing. Hey, you know what? I'm hungry, let's get something to eat. Hey Debra, you hungry?"

Debra nods and Cena says, "Yeah, I AM a li'l famished. I need to go somewhere and get me a sammitch."

Kane and Debra look at each other with surprised expressions. Kane excitedly says, "John! You-you ACTUALLY rhymed something that made SENSE! I can't fucking believe it! I mean, you said your sentence and the follow-up sentence ACTUALLY MADE SENSE! I can't fucking believe it!"

Debra applauds and John furrows his brow, saying, "Yo, what are you talkin' 'bout, man? When I jerk off, I jerk off with my hand!"

Kane closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh. He turns to Debra and mutters, "And here he was doing so well, too."

John asks, again, "Yo what you mean it made sense? When the fans chase me, I have to jump the fence."

Kane rubs his temples and says, "John, just-just forget it. I'm hungry and I have a headache. Do not make me choke-slam your ass in this vehicle."

Cena shrugs and says, "Ah well, then. We'll just get something to eat, cause I got foot powder on my feet."

Kane and Debra just look at each other and shake their heads.

(And, we'll end this here. Join me next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel!)

* * *

_A/N--Ok, I realize that I could've just had Carlito use the same carving knife he used earlier to get that apple off of him or I could've possibly had Michelle eat it off of him, but I just figured "naaaaahh!"_


	17. Chapter 17

(Well, here we are again! Last we left off, Carlito had his apple detached from himself, Cena made a rhyme that made sense, and Booker and company were on their way to get something to eat. But, right now, we'll join up with Chris Masters, who has apparently caught a flight back to Seattle.)

We join him as he's relaxing on plane and he's about midway through his flight.

Chris smiles contentedly and mutters to himself, "Boy oh boy, wait'll I get my hands on that li'l no-good no-good. I'll put his ass in the Masterlock and NEVER let go!"

He reaches for a set of headphones and says, "Hm…I need some goddamned music. And I'd better not hear any Rod Stewart, either!"

Just then, a stewardess approaches and asks, "Excuse me, sir? Would you like something to drink? We have Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Coke, and—"

Masters cuts her off, "Nah, I don't want any of that shit. Gimme' some rum!"

The stewardess nods and goes to retrieve the drink. Masters frowns a little and says to himself, "Damn, I gotta' piss again."

He takes off his headphones and makes his way to the bathroom. He tries the handle and it's locked. He starts pounding on the door and saying, "Hey, c'mon, I gotta' piss!"

There's a woman's voice on the other side of the door. She says, "Um, just a minute, I should be out in ju-uuuuust a minute."

Masters hears a loud "plopping" noise and a series of loud farts. He curls his upper lip and waves the stench away from him. Just then, his stewardess walks past and grimaces at the smell coming from the bathroom. Masters nods and says, "You know, some people just never heard of a courtesy flush."

The stewardess nods and says, "Yeah, hey I'll set your drink down on your tray, ok?"

Masters nods as the stewardess leaves. He pounds the door again and says, "C'mon lady, let's go!"

The toilet flushes and a loud "hissing" noise can be heard as whoever's in the bathroom was at least courteous enough to spray afterwards. But, one thing is noticeably absent—no water was running. This means that this person isn't washing her hands after using the bathroom. This thought crosses Masters' mind and he curls his upper lip in disgust.

Just then, the door opens and the woman's and Chris' eyes meet. Chris smirks and says, "Oh, of ALL people! Of ALL people! Why am I NOT surprised it's you? Christy Hemme—yeah, from past experience with you, I KNOW that you don't believe in courtesy flushes, now do ya'?"

Christy blushes in embarrassment and says in a low tone, "Um, could you, like, keep it down a little?"

Masters asks, "Why should I? That smell in there is so bad, that I'll go in there, do what I have to do, and just as I'm coming out, a-a fine woman's gonna' come from out of fucking NOWHERE and pass by just as I'm coming out and you know what she's gonna' think? Do you, Christy?"

Christy quietly says, "But I sprayed—"

Masters interrupts, "Bullshit! It's gonna' smell like a-a shitty-smelling…rainforest! And, she's gonna' think that YOUR horrible smell's coming from me! THAT'S what she's gonna' think, Christy! You know, you're lucky I have to pee so badly or I'd really give you a piece of my mind! Get outta' my way! Oh and don't think that I didn't notice you NOT washing your hands before you came out, either!"

Masters shoves his way into the bathroom as Christy flips him the bird and takes her seat.

* * *

(Ok, let's leave that ugly scene and join up with King, Kurt, and Jackie as they've just arrived in Seattle. I think it's necessary to mention that Jackie's eating a box of spare ribs.)

Kurt happily mentions, "Hey King, looks like we made it, we're finally here!"

King smiles and says, "Yeah, but I can't help but wonder if we're in the lead of not."

Jackie speaks up, "Well, I think we're in the lead." She sucks the meat off of a rib and continues, "But, that's just wishful thinkin'."

Kurt raises an eyebrow and asks, "You know, I've been watching you eat those ribs like that."

Jackie furrows her brow and asks, "Like what?"

Kurt replies, "Well, I've seen you take a whole rib and suck the meat off in, like, one fell swoop."

Jackie smiles and winks at Kurt. Kurt looks at King, who's just smiling contentedly and driving. Kurt looks back at Jackie and says, "You know, maybe I don't wanna' know how you learned to do that."

Jackie and King look at each other and laugh, while Kurt's looking at both of them, shaking his head.

* * *

(Ok, let's meet up with Carlito and Michelle, who appear to be lost.)

Michelle says, "Hey, I thought you said that you knew a shortcut to Vince's hotel."

Carlito shrugs and says, "Man, I-I thought that this was the right way. I mean this is the way that that one toothless dude gave me."

Michelle rolls her eyes and says, "You know, I TOLD you not to take directions from that guy. I asked you to take directions from that one-legged guy back at the bus stop, but did YOU listen? No, no you DIDN'T listen. And NOW look at us, we're fucking LOST!"

Carlito asks, "Well, why'd you want me to ask that one-legged guy as opposed to who Carlito wanted to ask? I mean, what's your reasoning?"

Michelle sighs and says, "You sure are thick, you know that? My reasoning is that if you ask someone with one leg, it'd occur to ME that he'd know the quickest ways to go anyplace, being that he only has one leg and all."

Carlito smacks his forehead and says, "Damn, why didn't I think of that?"

Michelle rolls her eyes and mutters, "It's because you're a man, that's why…dickhead."

Carlito asks, "Did you say something?"

Michelle shakes her head as Carlito shrugs and continues driving.

* * *

(Well, let's join up with Kane and Cena, who've also made their way into Seattle.)

Kane asks, "Do you know where this hotel is that Mr. McMahon is staying at?"

Cena nods and says, "I think I do, when I visit the zoo, all the pandas be eatin' bamboo!"

Kane nods and says, "Well, not too long ago, I thought I saw that vacuum-car that Masters has. So we'd better hurry up and find this joint, eh?"

Cena nods and says, "True that, man. I fall asleep after eatin' turkey because of Tryptophan!"

Debra points out the window asking, "Hey, isthatguyinthisracetoo?"

Kane looks out and sees a giant church offering plate with wheels. Kane shakes his head, saying, "Nah, he's not in this, that's Shawn Michaels. Ah, I see he's at the drive-through liquor store again."

Debra says, "ButIthoughthewassavedandall."

Kane shrugs and says, "Well, he says that he likes to have a few drinks before he gives his sermons. He says that Crown Royal really gets him in the…spirit."

Cena says, "Yeah, you should see his televangelism service—it comes on every Wednesday at, like 7. Is it true that all dogs go to heaven?"

Kane says, "Yeah, I had to laugh a little when he told us about how he got baptized. He said that he had to use a port-a-potty one day and he said that the lord spoke to him while he was in that port-a-potty. Yeah, he said that the lord told him that he wanted him to be a tool for Christ. Well, this fool gets on television and says that he plans on being the biggest tool that he could be. And that the lord told him to 'baptize' himself in that port-a-potty by sticking his head in the toilet. Do you believe that shit?"

Cena and Debra laugh as they motor on down the street.

* * *

(Ok, last, but not least, we'll join Booker and friends, who have also made it to Seattle.)

Booker asks, "Hey, do any y'all know where 'dis place be bein 'dat Vince be izzat?"

D-lo shrugs and Sharmell says, "Well, according to this map, it's supposed to be a couple miles from here yet."

Lori says, "You know, if it were Nevada, I could be of more help—after all, I know where all the hotels are at in Nevada."

D-lo raises an eyebrow and asks, "And this makes you proud?"

Lori nods and says, "Hells yeah, I'm a proud career woman. I mean, like, last month, right? I was in this one bar and me an this other chick named, um, um…Amy—that's right, her name was Amy—oh, and she said that people call her Lita, but anyway, me and her got into this contest, right?"

Sharmell looks at Booker and she says, "Hm…doesn't surprise me, but go ahead."

Lori continues, "Well, we had this contest as to who can shove the biggest objects inside ourselves. Ok, it started out with bananas and cucumbers, then we went to, um, baseball bats, but…that Amy chick did something even I haven't seen before—she hopped up on a barstool and just sank down as the barstool was actually being swallowed into her!"

The other three look at each other wide-eyed and collectively say, "Daaaaaaamn!"

Lori says, "Boy, that was truly a hard act to follow, so I just raised her hand and I bought her a drink. We exchanged numbers and we've been in touch, like, ever since."

D-lo shakes his head and says, "…damn."

* * *

(Ok, we'll end this one here. You know, I totally think I'm going to fail at keeping this thing below 20 chapters. I thought I could, but…well, it doesn't seem like it. I dunno, I'll try to condense this more and I'll just have to see what comes about. But, don't forget to tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior channel!) 


	18. Chapter 18

(Well, here we are in the home stretch. Last time we left off, Carlito was lost, while the others had proper directions to the hotel that Vince was staying in. We'll join Booker T and company…)

Sharmell points toward the hotel and excitedly says, "Ok you three, there's the hotel. And, from the looks of things, We're not the first ones here."

Booker says, "Yeah, 'dat be Jerry n'them's car, yo!"

D-Lo says, "Shit, we gotta' hurry!"

Booker points to an empty space by the hotel and says, "Eh baby, park 'dere, yo!"

Just as Sharmell's pulling up to the space, she's cut off by John Cena and Kane.

Booker yells out the window, "HEY Y'ALL, WHAT BE BEIN' YO' PROBLEM, SUCKA?"

Kane shoots a confused glance to Cena and then at D-Lo. D-Lo sticks his head out of the window and says, "He asked 'What's your problem?'"

Kane and Cena smile and they run inside the building with their hooker in tow.

Sharmell excitedly says, "C'mon you all! Get in there!"

Lori, D-Lo, and Booker T all run inside the hotel and head to the front desk to get Vince's room number. They get the room number and head toward the very busy elevators.

* * *

(We'll leave them wait and join up with Carlito and Michelle, who seem to finally be back on track.)

Michelle asks, "Now see? All you have to do is just listen to me and we'll get the right directions—yep see that? There's the hotel right there!"

Carlito nods and says, "Yeah, it was cool! We gotta' hurry if we expect to win!"

Carlito accelerates down toward the hotel and as he's driving, a passenger airliner passes closely overhead—the hotel is near the airport.

Carlito mentions, "Wow, we must be near the airport. Aw shit! Everybody's here already!"

Michelle frantically says, "Hey just park in the middle of the street, we gotta' win!"

So Carlito screeches to a halt nearby the hotel and double-parks the vacuum car in the process. He and Michelle head inside the hotel and up to the front desk to get Vince's hotel room number.

* * *

(Meanwhile, on Vince's floor, the superstars are all getting off of their elevators and running up to Vince's room. There's a huge commotion just outside of Vince's doorway.)

Vince is inside sipping a glass of champagne and reading his other favorite magazine—_Huge Black Asses. _

He hears a bunch of beating and banging outside of his doorway and he calmly and contentedly smiles to himself, saying, "Hmm, they must be back. I-I think I'll let them bicker amongst themselves for a bit."

That was just enough time for Carlito and his hooker to make their way up to the mini-rumble that was taking place just outside of Vince's doorway.

A few minutes pass and Vince grows tired of all of the yelling and banging. He finally opens the door. Booker and John Cena are struggling, each trying to push themselves inside the narrow doorway.

John yells out, "HEY WATCH IT, THIS IS MY CONTEST! DON'T BE PUTTIN' YOUR FEET ON MY ARMREST!"

Booker retorts, "Yo sucka, 'dis thang be all mine! Now can you dig 'DAT?"

Kane yells out, HEY, MAKE WAY UP THERE, OR I'M CHOKESLAMMING EVERYONE!"

Carlito thinks for a few moments and snaps his fingers as an idea comes to him. He says, "Hey Michelle, let's start dishing out low-blows. That way, we can get in there faster!"

Michelle smiles and says, "Let's do it!"

Carlito and Michelle start low-blowing everyone—Cena, Kane, Kurt, Lawler, and Booker T. D-Lo sees this and starts trying to dodge Carlito and Michelle, who are on either side of him. Just as Carlito and Michelle are closing in on D-Lo, Carlito receives a sharp hit from behind and collapses to the floor, writhing in pain and clutching his back.

Michelle turns around and sees…

"Oh my GOD!--Chris Masters!"

Chris is standing behind Michelle with a smirk on his face and an iron pipe in his hand. He waves it menacingly at D-Lo, who runs down the hall, screaming like a little girl and leaving his fallen companion, Booker T, to writhe in pain on the floor along with everyone else, save for the hookers.

Chris notices all of the hookers cowering up against the wall next to the doorway. He strokes his chin, grabs Michelle by the wrist and flings her into Vince's room, along with the other whores.

Chris clears his throat and says, "Mr. McMahon, I've returned with the women from Reno. As you can see, they have your wings and your liquor that you requested."

Vince takes a box of wings and opens it. He starts in on the wings and doesn't even come up for air as he's eating. Masters and the whores all watch Vince virtually inhale the wings. By the time he's done, he has barbeque sauce all over his mouth. He looks around and angrily asks, "Hey-hey, where the hell are the goddamned napkins?"

The whores and Chris all look at each other, shrugging. Chris thinks for a second and says, "Hey, I have an idea."

He heads back out into the hallway where Carlito was just starting to come to. He hits him again with that iron pipe and he falls back to the floor. He proceeds to rip Carlito's shirt from off of him and takes it into Vince's room. He hands the shirt to Vince and he wipes his mouth with it, afterwards Vince takes a few swallows of the gin.

Vince smiles and says, "Chris, you've done well. You'll be interim GM this coming RAW and you'll head the next creative meeting. Now, as for you ladies, I've been needing some good whores, so, you three will become the newest WWE divas and you'll all get title shots—I mean, think of the RATINGS this'll do!

Hell, you may as well be divas—if you like to whore your body out, that's one key quality to being a WWE diva. If you don't know how to wrestle, don't worry about it. You don't have to know how to wrestle to be a women's champ in Vince McMahon's WWE! Oh, and before you start work here in the WWE, I'll be giving you each your own set of kneepads, which, by contract, you are to wear at ALL TIMES—if you're unsure, talk to Trish, she'll show you the ropes."

The ladies all approach Vince and start rubbing his back. Chris smiles and shakes hands with Vince. Vince smiles and says, "Chris, I want you to report to RAW an hour early, ok?"

Chris nods and walks out of the office. In the hallway, he sees that all the wrestlers have left—even Carlito. He thinks about what he'd like to do to Carlito and smirks, shaking his head.

* * *

(Ok, the next chapter is the last! It looks like I'll be able to keep this under 20 chapters after all! Tune in next time—same warrior time, same warrior, place, same warrior station!) 


	19. Chapter 19

(Well, this is it, the last hurrah, the last go-round, the last stand, the last—well, you get it. Anyway, it's now RAW and we meet up with Chris Masters. He's in Vince's office backstage. Of course, I need to mention, like always—Chris is in full wrestling gear, except he has a sport coat on because he's GM for tonight, and that's how I make the distinction.)

Vince, eating pork skins, calls the meeting to order. He says, "Ok everyone, you know how we normally do this, but tonight, Chris Masters will head up the creative meeting. Now Chris, as a rule, our creative team isn't allowed more than 15 minutes to come up with a show idea, so let's get going!"

Chris raises an eyebrow and asks, "Wait, do you mean to tell me that you don't even have creative meetings during the week—you know, so you can just maybe…finalize the program before it starts?"

Vince looks around shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders.

Arn Anderson smiles and says, "Nah, kid. We like to just, y'know…throw shit-balls at the wall and see what sticks. We find it makes for…great viewing. As J.R. used to call it—'shit-balls to-the-wall'! Get it? It's like 'balls to the wall', except it's—"

Masters rubs his temples and cuts Arn off, "YES, ok, ok, I-I get it." He sighs and continues, "Ok, here's what I propose…"

* * *

(Masters divulges his card layout to the creative team and 45 minutes later, the show begins.)

Here's where I'll just give you kind folks the rundown of the goings-on of that evening.

Taking a cue from Vince himself, Masters calls Rey Mysterio over to RAW for a special Championship match—hell, he was in the neighborhood anyway—he calls Rey over to have him face Stacy Keibler for the SmackDown title. (This is REALLY gonna' be fucked-up, hehehe…)

Well, Stacy starts out clotheslining Rey Ultimate Warrior-style. Then she starts Suplexing him all over the ring. Rey rolls outside and she starts suplexing him around the ring, effectively doing a "lap" around the ring, just suplexing the hell out of Rey.

At the commentators' desk, J.R. mutters something about how he always wanted to squirt _his_ "barbecue sauce" all over Stacy's chest—that's naughty, J.R., BBQ sauce is NOT pearly white!

Well anyway, Rey starts to make a comeback and he gets Stace in the position for what he describes as his new alternate finisher--"The 6-9". (He described it on the last WWE Confidential, in case you missed it.)

Anyway, he hollers out to the crowd, pulls his tights off, swings to the ropes and swings around the opposite ropes, not kicking Stacy, but he measures it just right so that his wang goes directly in Stacy's mouth as he's swinging. Anyway, she falls backward from the force and Rey-Rey goes up to the top rope, changes his mind, climbs back down, and sits on Stacy's face with a cheesy, adulterous grin on his face. Stacy bites him in the nuts and rolls him over. Ref makes the three count and we have a new SmackDown champion! (Next week, she has to face JBL and Lashley in a Championship bra and panties match! Aren't you fucking excited? Hahaha…better yet, aren't you glad that I don't run the creative team? Hehehehe!)

Anyway, the night goes on, yadda, yadda, yadda. We're in the second hour of what seems like 9 hours although it's only two hours. Masters orders Trish, Lita, Torrie, Candace, Ashley, and Maria the microphone skank to come down to the ring and join Lillian, the Spirit Squad, and Rob Conway in the first ever "bra and panties battle royal". The objective of the match is to strip your opponents down to their bra and panties and then throw them out of the ring any way you can.

Well, a quick rundown for you: Lillian low-blows everybody, strips them, loads them into a cannon that Mick Foley used for his hardcore match earlier and blasts them out of the arena to…I dunno…China or some shit—they've yet to be seen again. She pushes the cannon backstage and low-blows Edge. She loads his buck-toothed ass in the cannon and fires him off to Pakistan somewhere—needless to say, he now has a new career as a taxi driver and he _always_ smells like curry…always.

Of course, Victoria and Mickie James aren't there this evening. Buuut, just so you know, Victoria and Mickie James are with me this evening. They're in my flat for an evening of drunkenness and debauchery. I just hope Victoria has taken her birth control pills this time—I don't want any scary instances like last time.

Ok, moving on, we have the main event—Masters comes to the ring and calls Carlito out. Carlito comes out with a worried expression on his face. Masters tells Carlito to lift his arms up or else he'll receive a 70 percent pay cut for the remainder of his contract. Carlito lifts his arms up and Masters stuffs a hollowed-out apple in his mouth and applies the Masterlock. He leaves it on for the remaining 40 minutes of the program—even during the "Chicken n' Watermelon match" that Vince orders between Shelton Benjamin, Viscera, Sharmell, Booker T—hell, he even brings Faarooq out of retirement just to participate in this match. The winner will get to see Shelton's mama in a string bikini.

As the ending credits are rolling, Stephanie McMahon comes out of nowhere wearing nothing but a pair of her mother's adult diapers—she looks like a fat baby with titties, in case you were wondering. She starts eating the ending credits from off of the Titan-tron. And after she gets done, Jamal—er, I mean UMAGA comes and eats Stephanie. Unfortunately, Umaga ends up with a whiny speaking voice and Triple H suddenly announces his undying love for Umaga. He gives Umaga an engagement ring—the service will be held next RAW as you're formally invited to attend the wedding of Umaga and the Game.

Oh yeah, the "Cooban" will give Umaga away, in case you're wondering.

* * *

(Well, th-th-th-th-that's all folks! I'd like to thank all of you who've supported me in reviews, adding me or this story to your faves—everything. It's been a journey.) 


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